Do you remember the popular TV show of the late eighties, “The Wonder Years?” (It’s actually getting a reboot.) In the original, Kevin Arnold, played by Fred Savage, had two close friends, Paul and Winnie. The theme music for the show was the Beatles’ tune, “With a Little Help from My Friends.” The show’s producers were right about that element of early adolescence: friends play a significant role in a teenager’s life during these years. Early adolescence marks a major shift from parents to peers.
During those “wonder years” of adolescence their world is full of fresh, new possibilities and perspectives. The opposite sex takes on a new meaning, achievement in activities becomes a more significant factor, and friends become emotionally preeminent. From one perspective the teenage years are often seen as a hurricane in the sea of life, marked by rebellion and defiance that cuts a path of damage through the lives of parents who find ways to take shelter and wait for the storm to pass. However, it’s also a time of great opportunity for you to grow your parent-child relationship. Here are 4 simple ways to cultivate a healthy relationship with your child.
1. Focus on being a healthy parent, not just on raising a healthy child.
Many parents can forget the significant impact that God has designed us to have in our kids’ lives. The primary classroom where our children learn about morals, values, ethics, a sense of how to handle difficult emotions, how to deal with conflict in mature ways, and how to interact with the opposite sex is still mom and dad. Even when they become teenagers and it seems as if you have little impact, the fact is that you still do.
Is what our kids see in our lives different than the values modeled by society? Do our children see in us the importance of the spiritual side of life? Do we model for them the value of prayer? While there are no guarantees, do understand that, as their parents, what you model is the greatest influence on what your kids will choose.
2. Be available.
In order to build a strong relationship with your child, they have to know you’re there. That might mean working your schedule to fit theirs occasionally and turning off your TV or phone and just being around in case they want to talk. You can do this by folding laundry in their room or putting out food after school and lingering in the kitchen while your child eats. I know a mom who has a code word for her kids to use when they need her. In a perfect world, every parent would give their kids their undivided attention every time they ask for it, but the truth is, we’re all a little distracted. So when her kids say the word, she knows this is important and I need to put everything else aside.
3. Spend ample time with your child.
It is impossible to build a strong parent-child relationship without spending quantity, not just quality, time together. As you spend time together you can learn how to win them over, rather than trying to win over them. That is a subtle, yet significant, distinction. As two of our sons have moved into their teenage years, spending time with them has become more of a challenge. So make the most of your opportunities to do things together with your child while you can.
It is impossible to build a strong parent-child relationship without spending quantity, not just quality, time together. Click To Tweet4. Trust your child.
Many parents tell their adolescents that, “We’ll trust you when you prove you can be trusted.” Adolescents express bitterness and frustration that they often are made to feel guilty and have to prove their innocence. Early on we decided that we would communicate a different message to our boys. We told them, “We’ll trust you until you prove you can’t be trusted, and then we’ll deal with the problem.” The statement may sound similar, but consider how different the message was to our children. Time and time again, with only a few exceptions, they have rewarded our trust with protecting it.
What small ways do you build the parent-child relationship with your tween or teen?
Taken with permission from Gary Oliver, Ph.D.
