Shaunti Feldhahn

Shaunti Feldhahn is a best-selling author. Her books have sold two million copies and have been translated into fifteen different languages. Shaunti is a longtime nationally syndicated columnist and holds a master's degree in public policy from Harvard University. read bio

Learning How to Let It Go

Adapted from The Male Factor by Shaunti Feldhahn.

This is one of the "little things" that men found the most inexplicable: the tendency of women to essentially hold a grudge. 

What Leads to "Not Letting It Go"?

What leads to the tendency to not let things go? And why is this something that men don't seem to struggle with? From what I can tell, it appears to be an unconscious response to our multitasking female brain. Our research for For Men Only found that 81 percent of women have difficulty closing "mental windows" on issues that are bothering them. The concern tends to pop back up until whatever caused the concern is resolved. By contrast, men find it easy to compartmentalize and, if they judge this particular concern as unlikely to be a long term problem, they can completely ignore it and let it go.

As one man put it, "Women have very long memories.  And those emotions often continue to gyrate long after the issue should have been put to bed"

[Satisfied couples don't hold grudges.]

What is the solution?

In the men's minds, the solution is to address an issue of concern directly, and then simply not bring it up again. Three out of four men on the survey chose that approach.  Another 22 percent said one should "stuff" the feeling of annoyance, or should never have allowed oneself those feelings to being with.  Only 3 percent of men said it was acceptable to continue to express feelings of annoyance and let the situation naturally run its course. 

Excerpt used with permission from The Male Factor by Shaunti Feldhahn.