Shaunti Feldhahn

Shaunti Feldhahn is a best-selling author. Her books have sold two million copies and have been translated into fifteen different languages. Shaunti is a longtime nationally syndicated columnist and holds a master's degree in public policy from Harvard University. read bio

When Your Teens Shock You—React Like This

At some point, as your children are approaching, or in adolescence, they will start pulling away from you and try to become their own person.  During this time, they will likely say things you won't want to hear, and your tendency will be to freak out.  Try not to!  Try this instead:

1.       Strive to see and affirm the person your child is becoming.

As our kids formulate their identities, we can (and the kids say should) openly acknowledge that we don't necessarily understand them. As one teenage girls said to her parents, "I know you're really trying to understand what I'm going through, but it's okay that you can't totally relate. Just acknowledge that times have changed, and give me a hug when I'm stressed."

Guidance counselor, Nerida Edwards, says parents often tell her, "I feel like I don't know my child." Her response? "Well, they change a lot, and you probably don't. Take them to Waffle House or Starbuck's for an hour, and leave both your cell phones at home. Do something they will enjoy, and in most cases they will talk to you if they know you really want to listen."

2.       Investigate their new identity.

As simple as it might sound, one of the best ways to assure our child that we do want to understand her new identity is to actually investigate it. To move past your preconceptions, you might even pretend you're meeting your child for the first time. What would you sense, for example, a previously unrecognized loneliness underneath the vivacious surface of your eighth-grader? What might you learn if you asked, "Do you feel included in this family? At your school?"

3.       Express your love.

As you get to know the person your child is becoming, you may notice her hunger for appreciation. As part of her social referencing, she's wondering, "What do Mom and Dad think of who I'm becoming?" Look for ways to sincerely express your pride in the positive ways she's growing. As one girl said, "it would mean so much to me if, instead of harping on me for always being on the go, my mom would say, 'Wow, you've really become an amazing, independent person who's not afraid to try new things.'"

Even when we can't help but notice their negative behaviors—especially the prickliness and defensiveness that so often accompany our children's inner confusion about who they are—they still need our encouragement and affection. Even though we sometimes feel that giving it is like hugging a porcupine!

Taken with permission from For Parents Only by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa Rice.