When I think back on all of the programs, classes, and special events my kids have been part of over the years, I realize most of them were designed in a way that encouraged and enabled a mom’s involvement over a dad’s. And it turns out my experience is pretty typical. A study published in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry found that a vast majority of programs are designed in a way that marginalizes or completely ignores the role of fathers.
The Yale researchers who conducted the study highlighted why this is such a problem. It’s that the father’s role is crucial in the life of a child. Moms naturally carry more of the load, but there are some things we do that stand in the way of our husbands (or ex-husbands) stepping up. To help your husband be a great dad, do these 4 things.
1. Let him be who he is instead of assuming he’s just like your dad.
Even just one generation ago, parenting roles were more gender stereotyped. Just because your dad didn’t engage as a parent in certain ways doesn’t mean your husband won’t. Don’t put him in that box. Resist the temptation to make assumptions about what your husband is willing or able to contribute to the lives of your children based on your own childhood experience. Your husband is his own man, and he’ll be his own type of dad—for better or for worse.
2. Remember your kids aren’t made of glass (and that your husband isn’t always clumsy).
The truth is that kids are tougher than we sometimes give them credit for. So Dad plays a little rough? No big deal. Kids actually need that masculine-inspired play and bonding. So Dad will make PB&Js every time he has lunch duty? It may not be steamed broccoli, but they won’t starve to death, either. Overcome any control freak tendencies you may have that could interfere with your husband feeling capable (and the kids viewing him as capable) and allow him to parent in his way.
Don’t act as if the kids are made of glass and your husband is clumsy. Click To Tweet3. Express your concerns to him in private.
Let’s say he does make a parenting mistake, and you notice. Don’t bring it up in front of the children. Ask to speak to him in private to talk about your concerns to allow him to maintain a posture of authority and competence in their eyes. Believe us, one day, you’ll want them to think he’s always right and that he’s an authority figure who should be respected. It’s crucial.
4. Respect him when he isn’t around.
Kids overhear us talking to our friends, and if we’re pointing out all their fathers’ flaws, those messages will stick with them. This one is especially challenging for divorced parents. Except in the most extreme cases where discussions must take place to guard your child’s health and safety, avoid negative talk about your ex-husband’s parenting skill or authority in front of your child. With every barb, you chip away at his ability to parent well and hurt your children in ways they can’t even express. Be a champion of his parenting. Your kids deserve it.
How do you give your husband a chance to shine as a father?
