“Why do I have to yell to get you kids to listen?” If you’ve ever said that, here’s something you need to know: You can get your kids to obey without yelling or arguing. Too many moms say to themselves that “my kids won’t do anything unless I get angry.” But there’s a difference between harshness and firmness. Firm discipline says a boundary is secure and won’t be crossed without a consequence. Harshness, on the other hand, uses angry words to make children believe parents mean what they say.
Ask yourself an important question: What cues do you give your kids that you mean business? Is it anger, or is it firm discipline? If you find yourself being harsh, your relationship with your child might be in trouble, so it’s worth it to work on making a change. Here are 4 ways to be firm instead of harsh with your kids.
1. Dialogue less.
Don’t misunderstand; talking to your kids is good most of the time because it strengthens relationship bonds between parent and child. However, in an attempt to build a relationship, some parents spend too much time dialoguing about instructions. They try to defend their words, persuade their children to do what they’re told, or logically explain the value of obeying. This is often counterproductive and teaches children how to resist more. Parents then resort to anger to end the discussion, complicating matters further.
It’s true that talking and showing emotion can be signs of a healthy family and lead to closeness, but when added to the instruction process, these two ingredients confuse children and don’t give them the clear boundaries they need. Making sure your children understand the boundaries regarding their behavior helps too.
2. Show less emotion.
Anger works—but at a price. It quiets children, moves them toward the car when it’s time to go, and motivates them to clean their room. But anger and harshness have a downside. They build walls of resistance in children and distract from the true issue you’d like to correct.
When you lead with anger, your kid won’t get the message that there’s a problem that needs to be worked out. A parent’s harshness can confuse the learning process. Instead of thinking that I’m here taking a break because I did something wrong, the child thinks, I’m here taking a break because I made Mom mad.
3. Take action.
Having to listen to a parent yell isn’t a consequence that will produce any lasting change in a child. If you want your kids to adapt their behavior in meaningful and lasting ways, you need to have a plan of action. Having a toolbox of consequences is essential to help move children along in life—it’s not optional. Take the time to study and pray outside the stress and emotional charge of an immediate problem. Look at a specific area that’s challenging you and your kids and consider what particular consequences would motivate them to change and grow. Having better solutions at the ready will decrease the temptation to default to anger to solve the problem next time.
Having to listen to a parent yell isn't a consequence that will produce any lasting change in a child. Click To Tweet4. When you resort to harshness, come back later to repair the damage.
Even when you feel like you’ve mastered firm discipline without anger, you’ll still have moments when you lose your cool. When that happens, come back to your child when things have settled, clarify what your child did that was wrong, why the consequence was given, and apologize for your harshness. The inner strength of emotional control not only guides children and builds them up in a positive direction, but it creates greater closeness in relationships.
Keep in mind that harshness gets in the way of the growth you want to see in your children and in your relationships. Choose firm, but loving words, and try to avoid these 15 things mothers should never say to their children.
What’s the difference between harshness and firm discipline in your parenting?
