No one likes conflict. Unfortunately, the older your kids get, the more likely they’ll be to argue with you. (And by the time they’re teenagers—they’ll be really good at it!) But you can avoid much of the heartburn of these situations by learning The Right Way to Argue With Your Kids.
Arguing isn’t always bad—if it’s done in a respectful and calm way by both child and parent.
- Cool down. If you’re upset with your child and are too emotional or too angry to remain calm, take a few minutes to gather your composure before talking. Being firm and authoritative is fine—letting your anger take control of you is not. Your child will respect you and your authority more if you are in control. If you think you are on the verge of getting physical with your child, tell your child you need to clear your head and leave the room. If they follow you, don’t keep engaging verbally.
- Be the grown-up. No matter how tempting it may be, never succumb to adopting the immature tactics of your children. One example: if your preteen is dripping with sarcasm, resist the urge to fight fire with fire and dish out a little of your own. Same goes for yelling. If your child yells at you, don’t yell back. All that does is compromise your credibility, and confirm that yelling is an acceptable way to communicate.
- Practice mutual respect. We all deserve respect. The best way to teach your children how to show it to you is to model it in your dealings with them. Pay full attention when your child wants to talk, don’t interrupt, and show your children the same courtesy in communication that you would your best friend. Even when you must say the hard things and be the disciplinarian, you can do so in a way that preserves your child’s dignity. If you communicate with your children in respect and love, you’ll reap the same.
- Age matters. When children are small, under the age of 7, focus on teaching them how to argue respectfully. One mom would put her hand over her mouth when her child’s words started sounding disrespectful. This gave the young child a visual that would help them get back on a respectful track. Instead of saying, “Don’t talk to me that way! It’s not respectful!” Repeat their words or message back in a respectful way, and then ask them if they understand the difference. If they remain disrespectful, follow through on consequences. Starting at age 7, children develop an urge to protect their views and their interest. This is a good life skill if you can teach them to do it the right way—respectfully and calmly. Remember, too, that defending themselves or trying to have the last word, is not always disrespect. Many parents fall into the pride trap of wanting to be right on principle alone. Teenagers should also be held to the arguing guidelines of respect and calmness. If they deviate from these, offer them a “do over.” Calmly say, “Son, the way you said that did not sound respectful. Would you like to try again?” If they remain disrespectful or refuse the do-over, it’s time for consequences.
- Don’t play ping pong. If the argument takes on a ping-pongy, tit for tat rhythm, it’s time to change the course of the discussion. If your child is arguing about doing something you’ve requested, stop interacting verbally, like this: “Sarah, I’ve told you what I want you to do. I’ve listened to your viewpoint and understand it, and appreciate you’re sharing it with me…but now I expect you to obey.”
