As a therapist, I’ve learned that most marriages don’t end suddenly. Instead, they unravel slowly through feelings that never get expressed and arguments that remain unresolved. In a survey of 105 mental health professionals, communication problems were cited as the most common factor leading to divorce by 65 percent of those surveyed.
I watch couples communicate all day, and often have to teach people how to undo their unhealthy communication habits. Researchers at The Gottman Institute have spent decades studying exactly what goes wrong and how to fix what John Gottman calls the “Four Horsemen.” If you recognize yourself in any of these 4 communication problems in marriage, keep reading for how to start talking.
1. Criticism
Criticism can build up and leave your husband or you feeling disrespected and unloved. I’ve helped couples see that this habit leads to building emotional walls, disconnecting from each other, and increasingly fighting unfairly.
Gottman’s Take
When you criticize your husband, you’re attacking his character. Instead of focusing on a specific behavior, criticism sends the message that something is wrong with him as a person. Because criticism often triggers defensiveness, it’s less likely that your concern will be heard.
Gottman suggests using what he calls a “gentle start-up.” Describe the situation without placing blame, share how you feel, and clearly tell your spouse what you need. For example, instead of, “You never help with the kids,” try, “I had such a hard day at work, and I feel emotionally empty. Can you help me by giving the kids a bath tonight?”
2. Defensiveness
It’s hard not to get defensive when you feel attacked. But in my experience, this is one of those communication problems in marriage that escalates conflict rather than ushering in healing. It can keep conflicts from being resolved by shifting the focus away from the issue and onto someone else’s faults. Responses like making excuses, counterattacking, or playing the victim may protect you in the moment, but they can lead to communication problems in marriage.
Gottman’s Take
Gottman recommends taking responsibility for your part, regardless of how small. For example, saying, “You’re right, I forgot to text. I can see why that frustrated you,” immediately diffuses tension and shows empathy toward the other person.
3. Stonewalling
Stonewalling can happen when a person becomes emotionally overwhelmed during conflict. The conversation feels too stressful to process, so he shuts down, withdraws, or stops responding.
Gottman’s Take
Gottman refers to this as “flooding,” when the heart rate and stress levels rise to the point that productive communication becomes difficult.
The antidote is not to push through the conversation but to take a break and allow your body to calm down. Gottman recommends at least 20 minutes of self-soothing because shorter breaks often don’t give the nervous system enough time to recover. The break is only temporary. Once both of you are calmer, you should return to the conversation and continue working through the issue together.
4. Contempt
When you feel contempt, you see yourself as better than your spouse and scrutinize every mistake he makes. Contempt can show up through sarcasm, mocking, name-calling, or eye-rolling. In the couples I counsel, I’ve seen this emotion and these behaviors erode trust and emotional connection.
Gottman’s Take
Gottman recommends intentionally building a culture of appreciation and respect. Rather than focusing on your spouse’s flaws, look for opportunities to express gratitude, admiration, and affection. Regularly noticing what your spouse is doing well can help counteract the tendency to dwell on what is going wrong. When conflicts do arise, share your needs without belittling or attacking each other.
Communication problems in marriage don’t have to permanently define your relationship. By learning to avoid these four habits and practicing healthier ways to connect, you can strengthen your marriage one conversation at a time. I often tell my clients that learning to love your spouse well is a lifelong process. So keep showing up for each other and keep doing the work. Your marriage is worth it.
What do you think causes the biggest communication problems in marriage?
