As a therapist, I’ve sat with many women who feel stuck when trying to work on their marriages. Some feel emotionally exhausted and unsure if things can really change. Others feel overwhelmed, as if they are standing at the bottom of a mountain with no idea how they will ever reach the top.
Working on your marriage can feel like an uphill battle, but I have watched relationships slowly transform when even one person starts taking healthy steps forward. It takes time, patience, perseverance, and a willingness to move past the mindsets that keep us stuck. Here are 4 reasons women avoid working on their marriage.
1. “It’s too hard.”
This statement can feel true, especially during a difficult season in marriage. But if you focus on it too much, it can keep you stuck. Is it OK to give up on something important just because it is hard? If your child felt like math homework was too hard, would you encourage him to quit trying altogether?
Sometimes the hardest things we work through are also the places where we grow the most. Working on your marriage may reveal areas where healing, better communication, or personal growth is needed. Giving in to this excuse can slowly send the message that your relationship isn’t worth the effort and you’re giving up on it. Instead, believe that you can make it through and begin taking steps toward that belief.
2. “I don’t know how.”
Understanding what needs to happen to create a healthier relationship can feel overwhelming. Sometimes women want things to improve, but genuinely don’t know where to start. But instead of focusing on fixing everything at once, just commit to taking one small step forward.
Healthy marriages are built little by little over time, and often the first step is simply becoming willing to learn new habits or try a different approach. Here are two great resources from iMOM.com that will get you headed in the right direction. See which ideas seem like they’ll work for you, and try at least one of them.
- 5 Habits That Can Resurrect a Dying Marriage
- 5 Habits to Avoid to Protect Your Marriage From Divorce
3. “I won’t if he won’t.”
This mindset will keep you stuck and create a feeling of not being on the same team in your marriage. Someone has to make the first move in order for change to happen. I have watched many clients take this approach, and it leads to resentment and bitterness.
Often, when one person starts responding, the relationship dynamic begins to change too. Once one person changes their part of the negative cycle in a marriage, the cycle changes. It can’t continue in exactly the same way when one person shifts how they participate. That doesn’t mean your husband will change overnight, and it doesn’t mean you’re responsible for fixing the entire marriage on your own. But you can control your part. Focus on taking healthy steps yourself, even if his growth takes longer to follow.
4. “He won’t even notice.”
It can be hopeless when you feel like your efforts aren’t noticed or won’t make a difference. After a while, thoughts like “Why even try?” creep in. But making positive changes in your marriage shouldn’t only depend on your husband noticing. Healthy choices matter because they help create a healthier relationship overall, even when progress feels slow. Perseverance and endurance will be needed.
Start with what you can do.
If you’re ready to work on your marriage, start with one thing you can do differently this week. That could look like starting a conversation instead of shutting down or choosing to listen without immediately getting defensive. For some women, the next step is asking for help through counseling or reconnecting spiritually by praying together again. Sometimes it’s simply deciding to stop repeating the same unhealthy patterns and respond differently instead.
You do not have to fix your whole marriage overnight. Healthy relationships are built one choice at a time. Small changes really can create movement.
What’s holding you back when you try to work on your marriage?
Teri Claassen is a Jesus follower, wife to Dan, mommy to one boy and one girl, a foster mom to kids in need, and a therapist at Renewed Horizon Counseling in Tampa, FL.
