I have good news about marriage! Couples who get past the 20-year mark tend to see more happiness and less conflict. “But that’s a long way off!” you might say. I hear you. So I looked at research surrounding long-married couples to discover the habits we can develop now to strengthen our marriages, whether we’ve been married seven years or 17.
Here are the 4 marriage secrets we can bring into our married life today to experience their benefits before our 20th wedding anniversary.
1. Practice more humor.
The couples in a UC Berkeley study who practiced more humor in their relationships had healthier marriages. Instead of getting irritated about their spouse’s irksome habits, humor helped them gain a more positive perspective. Couples laughed at their relationship quirks instead of getting discouraged about them or trying to fix them.
How it helps: Northwestern Professor Claudia Haase found that humor in marriage is an effective form of emotional regulation. It signifies that we accept our spouse for who they are and helps deescalate situations that could turn negative. Before you get angry at your husband, see if you can put a humorous spin on the situation.
2. Share more activities.
The early years of marriage can eat away at the time you spend with your husband. Shared activities during this time might be primarily child-centered, and finding ways to broaden that can be difficult. But it’s not impossible. Here are five ways to do it.
How it helps: A Penn State and BYU research team found that happy long-married couples do things together. It makes sense because hanging out with your husband shows him that you’re prioritizing him and actually like being with him.
3. Express less criticism.
We all know that criticism isn’t very effective at changing people—especially our husbands. Encouragement works better. Kind suggestions work better. Accepting your husband for who he is works really well. When you want to talk with him about something he does that bothers you, choose the time wisely and do it lovingly.
How it helps: Being less critical leads to less negativity. Marriage expert Dr. John Gottman found that in happy, “older” marriages, “the resolution of important conflicts was less negatively emotional and more affectionate.” Criticism creates a negative atmosphere, which eats away at happiness.
4. Do away with defensiveness.
Early in my marriage, I took every “tip” or request from my husband as an insult. I was very defensive. Older couples take things less personally. They use their well-developed emotional regulation skills to engage without feeling attacked. When I feel attacked now, I try to give my husband the benefit of the doubt—was he really trying to hurt me or am I putting a negative spin on what he said?
How it helps: Learning to be less defensive puts us in a position to deal with the substance of what’s being said rather than take it personally. This helps prevent us from becoming confrontational and allows us to focus on problem-solving.
Ultimately, the long-married couples in these studies developed a mature perspective on marriage and their spouses. And becoming more emotionally mature is something we can work on even if our husbands are on a different timeline.
What areas do you hope will get better in your marriage over the years?
