My husband and I met Jackie when she was in middle school. Though we knew her well, she remained guarded. One night, after hosting teens at our house, Jackie lingered behind. When asked how she was doing, she smiled and said “good,” but her eyes told another story. Finally, she broke down—her parents were divorcing after years of problems. We had missed the signs all along.
Teenagers can be difficult to read. Every day, they perform in a world of adult agendas and judgment. They work hard at perfecting the outside so everything on the inside can stay safely hidden. There are a precious few they can trust, so they develop their poker face. Teenagers have a lot going on under the surface that they either haven’t identified, are afraid to say, or don’t know how to tell you. Understanding these hidden truths could transform how we parent teens. Here are 5 things your teenagers secretly want you to know but won’t tell you.
1. They want you to say no.
They need your boundaries, but more interestingly, they want them. Giving them clearly defined lines of what is appropriate and what is not creates security for kids. However, just because they want those boundaries doesn’t mean they aren’t going to push against them—and they will. That’s how they figure out if what you say is true and real. It’s your job to say no, stick to it, and explain to them why that boundary exists. Then you need to respond with consistency, nurturing, and compassion when they step out of bounds. That is also not to say that boundaries never change or widen, particularly as they mature.
2. They are desperate for your approval.
Unless they perceive you as untrustworthy, this is the reason they get so annoyed and roll their eyes at your correcting. For right or wrong, they are feeling your disapproval as a person. It’s a feeling of rejection. I’m not saying not to correct, but having an awareness of how they are receiving your feedback may change how you do it and how often.
3. They want your guidance rather than your expectations.
They want you to walk with them in their pain and discomfort. Teenagers have adults and peers giving them marks to hit all the time. They don’t need you to set a level for them to live up to; instead, they need you to coach them. It’s the difference of how a coach responds to a player who drops the ball. She could say “I expect you to make that catch,” which puts pressure on the player to perform. But instead, she could say, “What do you think happened? I think you may have taken your eyes off of the ball. Remember to look at the ball. I know you can do it.” The first is like a parent who says “I expect you to get good grades, make wise decisions, and do what I say.” It doesn’t give room for failure. A mom who gives guidance will look deeper at her daughter caught drinking and say, “What happened tonight? It seems like you’re lonely and trying anything to fit in.” Download our Q & U app for questions to help you.
4. They have no idea who they are yet and are scared to death.
Their core self has not developed. They really are several different people. The person they are when they’re with their friends on a Friday night is way different from the person they are at home or in the classroom. That doesn’t mean they are fake; it’s just a person whose different selves haven’t merged into a solid identity yet. The tension they live with is trying to be both a part of themselves (and they don’t know what that is) and what other people think they should be. It’s a confusing and lonely place. They live in fear of disappointing people, namely you, dad, teachers, coaches, and friends. They’re afraid of spending the rest of their lives feeling as alone and misunderstood as they do right now. Be a safe and encouraging place.
5. They are consistently treated with contempt.
If they come across as moody or oversensitive, it is more than just hormonal or a bad attitude. If I made the statement, “There was a group of teenagers at the mall…,” you would expect the rest of that story to be negative. Teens are blamed, belittled, marginalized, and treated with contempt. I’ve seen it personally. They need to be shown respect and compassion. Don’t just react (easily said, I know, and I am the worst offender), but study what is driving the attitude.
What would you add to this list?
