If your husband looks at porn regularly, what should you do? Confront him? Try to catch him in the act? Actually, the first thing you need to do is understand you’re not alone. A recent study by the Wheatley Institute found that one in four men actively hide their pornography viewing from their partner, and one in three women are concerned about their partner’s pornography habit.
No matter what people say, pornography does impact a marriage. It affects trust, intimacy, and commitment. But the good news is it’s a problem that can be overcome, and your marriage can come out stronger on the other side. If you’ve discovered that your husband looks at porn, here are 5 things to do.
1. Don’t ignore it.
Finding out your husband looks at porn can be devastating to your sense of self-esteem and self-worth. We get that. In fact, you’re probably going through a whole whirlwind of feelings. That’s OK and normal. But the worst thing you can do right now is lash out in anger or put your head in the sand and try to ignore the problem.
Like it or not, you now have to deal with this for your health, your husband’s health, and the health of your marriage. It’s also the right time to make praying for your husband a priority.
2. Talk to someone.
You don’t have to suffer through this alone because you’re ashamed or you’ve been made to believe there’s nothing wrong with pornography. The survey from the Wheatley Institute had an interesting finding: “Married women are generally less accepting than men and less accepting than dating women of pornography viewing for adults.”
In other words, something changes in a woman’s mind regarding porn when she gets married. Perhaps she comes to understand the purpose for sex and how porn can hurt those on both sides of the screen—and both sides of the bed. Talk through your feelings with a trusted female friend or family member or seek out a qualified marriage counselor to help you navigate this time until you regain trust and restore your marriage.
3. Realize the addictive nature of pornography.
From the Addiction Center: “Watching pornography can cause a surge in dopamine, which in turn causes a desire or appetite for more dopamine release.” Porn can change the way the brain functions. So even if he’s ashamed of the fact that he looks at porn, it might help you to try to look at your husband not as a betrayer but as a person who is sick and needs help.
4. Consider your goal before you confront him.
Confronting or catching him in the act might give you the moral high ground, but you have to ask what your ultimate goal is. Do you want to be right or do you want to be whole in your relationship? If the latter is true, then tread lightly.
You can say something like, “Honey, I know you’ve been looking at porn. I have a lot of feelings about it. I’m hurt and angry, but more than that, I love you. Can we talk about this?”
He might have a strong reaction or even deny it, but give him space. Wait until the next day or a time when things are calm to bring it up again. But don’t give up, this is an important topic that cannot be ignored. The longer porn is allowed to remain, the more damage it will do.
5. Have hope.
Depending on how far into porn use he’s gone, it is possible that the consequences could be serious. Rebuilding your marriage and the trust marriage requires will take a lot of work. But with good help, a lot of important conversations, and the right boundaries, your marriage can and will be restored to an even greater place than it’s ever been.
Does your husband use pornography? How do you handle it?
