It was the night before my daughter’s big second-grade art project was due. She’d worked hard on it, but it was far from perfect. My husband was worried that it wasn’t “quite right.” He tried to close his artistic eye to the project’s “issues” but failed. So without my daughter knowing, he gave it a tweak here and a tweak there. My daughter got a solid grade on the project, but she lost the chance to learn from any mistakes her project might have had. My husband realized he’d messed up. The lesson he learned? Kids make mistakes. That’s one of the ways they learn. And, like with a second-grade art project, it’s better for kids to start learning from their mistakes while the stakes are still low.
It’s tough to know when to step away and let your kids make decisions that may have painful consequences. You can start with these 7 mistakes to let your kids make.
1. Let them fail a test.
If your son chooses to disregard your advice to turn off his video game and study his spelling words the night before his test, don’t be afraid to let him fail. Getting a bad grade will hopefully wake him up to the importance of studying so he’ll do well on future tests.
If he gets up the morning of the test panicking because he knows he’s not ready for it, don’t give in to his pleas to stay home. Respond empathetically: “I know it’s stressing you out not to be ready. That’s why it’s important to put away your games and do your studying.” Close out with encouraging words laced with problem-solving: “Just do your best today and let’s come up with a good study plan for your next test.”
2. Let them fail at a low-stakes task.
When you watch your daughter struggling to make her own lunch or zip up her too-full backpack, you might want to jump in and do it for her. Or you might be able to show some restraint, offer help from a distance, and limit your help to verbal cues: “You might want to use a bigger knife to spread your peanut butter.” Or, “Throw out all of your old papers first.” Your intentions are good! But kids make mistakes on the path to learning. And when they push through on their own, they feel a wonderful sense of accomplishment. In fact, a study of 7-9-year-olds found that kids who got help felt less competent and sought out fewer challenges in the future.
3. Let them forget their school supplies.
When your son rushes out the door without the recorder he brought home to practice for his music class, don’t jump in your car and drive it to his school. Let him explain to his teacher why he doesn’t have it and experience the real-life consequences.
When kids make mistakes, it’s not fun to watch them suffer the consequences. But remember that you’re actually doing something good for your child by giving him the opportunity for low-stakes learning.
4. Let them leave their homework at home.
This is a challenging one, especially if your child had the discipline to do her homework in the first place. Still, brace yourself and use this situation as a natural-consequence lesson in responsibility. If your child constantly forgets her homework, resist the urge to drop it off at her school or email a picture of it to her teacher.
On a side note, if your child remembers her homework 99 percent of the time, it’s probably OK to come to her rescue that one percent. The discomfort that will likely accompany her anxiety about forgetting it in the first place will likely be all the reminder she needs to not forget her homework again.
But if forgotten homework on school days becomes a pattern, it might be time to review your morning routine–check out number eight in this link.
5. Let them stay up too late.
The school week is over, and your son wants to stay up late. “Well, not too late,” you tell him. “You have flag football practice at 9 tomorrow.” As you watch the hours slip by, you give one more reminder about practice. The next morning rolls around and your son says, “I don’t want to go. I’m too tired.” Yep. You know what to do. Save the lecture for later and tell him to get ready for practice.
Of course, you’ll have to live through his crankiness, but you’re doing him a favor, teaching him that choices have consequences. He’ll remember that when he’s older, and you’re not there to make him go to class or work when he’s tired.
6. Let them “lose” their favorite shirt.
When your daughter says she has to wear her favorite shirt to school but can’t find it in the huge pile of dirty laundry on her bedroom floor, don’t go into search mode. Even if she needs to be out the door for school in 10 minutes, stay in the background. And, since things will probably get hectic, don’t say that if she’d done what you told her to do yesterday and picked up her clothes, this wouldn’t be happening.
Instead, use the empathetic response tactic: “Oh, that stinks you can’t find it,” and talk to her when she gets home about why it’s important to keep her clothes picked up. “You never want to go through that again, right?”
7. Let them miss a target.
A week ago, you told your daughter she had to clean her room by Thursday bedtime if she wanted to go to a sleepover on Friday. When she reminds you Friday morning that she’s going to the sleepover, share the bad news. Her room is still a disaster. No clean room…no sleepover.
If you start thinking, “But kids make mistakes! I should let her go.” Stand firm. When we rescue our children from the consequences of their choices, we slow their journey to capable independence. So allow your children to make mistakes and feel the consequences of them when they’re small.
Can you think of any other mistakes you should let your kids make?
