I never thought of myself as a worrier—then I had kids! I’m not the only one, right? As moms, we worry whether they’ve eaten enough or whether it’s the right type of food. We worry about their sleep; do they get enough of that? And we worry about all the milestones that (should!) happen in every stage. And then there’s their safety, which pervades EVERYTHING, and then the self-conscious worries, like am I doing a good enough job? It’s normal to have anxiety here and there about different things in our children’s lives. But when your worries grow and infiltrate your thoughts most days, leaning toward excessive, you may be grappling with something more serious.
Parenting anxiety that doesn’t go away can negatively impact your life in various ways. It’s not your fault you worry! But being aware of anxiety’s reach is the first step to taking control of it. Here are 5 ways anxiety in parenting can disrupt various aspects of your life—and what you can do to manage it.
1. It can impact your sleep.
If worrying keeps you awake at night, it’s because anxiety “triggers the body’s stress response,” according to the Sleep Foundation. It can then “leave a person feeling too wound up or agitated to fall asleep.” If your mind is constantly cycling through what-if situations—What if my child cries a lot at daycare? What if my kid wets his pants at school?—it’s hard for you to wind down and relax. “Anxiety is also associated with less time spent in deep sleep, which is thought to be important for restoring the body and mind.” Getting less rest can impact your mood and how you function the next day.
How to manage it: When mom anxiety keeps you up at night, your thoughts tend to get stuck either on things that happened in the past or could happen in the future. Instead of dwelling on these negative thoughts or worries, try to focus on what you’re grateful for. “Regularly practicing gratitude combats negative thinking patterns by keeping thoughts focused on the present,” according to UCLA Health. It’s hard to worry and be thankful at the same time. So think about all the little blessings that happened during the day, and let yourself relax.
2. It can put a strain on your marriage.
The stress that comes with raising children creates a new challenge for married couples. Even though it’s normal for us to be anxious at times, if we become consumed with worries, it can have a negative impact on our relationships with our husbands. “[H]igh parental stress can undermine personal well-being and the quality of intimate relationships,” according to research in Frontiers in Psychology. And parenting stress often increases the development of “anxiety, depression, and other psychological problems.” It isn’t your fault if you have more than the average amount of anxiety; some of it could be genetic, and some could be due to a particular life event. But finding a way to take control of your stress is necessary for the health of your relationships.
How to manage it: Sometimes, when we strive for perfection in parenting, we end up creating more stress and anxiety for ourselves. “Given that perfectionists’ self-worth is often tied to performance, they can experience extreme anxiety when their performance doesn’t meet the high standards they have set for themselves” or their children, says The Anxiety Center. Switching gears to a “good enough” mindset can help. Remind yourself that mistakes happen, and that’s how you and your kids will grow and learn.
3. It may affect your children.
Does the thought of letting your child walk to a friend’s house alone make you nervous? Maybe you tell her she can’t do it because it wouldn’t “be safe.” Or it’s “too far.” She hears your worry and may think she should be worried too. In this case, a parent’s anxiety has caused her to be overprotective of her child, erasing any desire for independence she may have had. “[I]f a parent seems consistently anxious and fearful, the child will determine that a variety of scenarios are unsafe,” says the Child Mind Institute. “And there is evidence that children of anxious parents are more likely to exhibit anxiety themselves, a probable combination of genetic risk factors and learned behaviors.” Anxiety in parents can rub off on their kids, but we don’t need to let it.
How to manage it: When we overprotect our kids, they don’t learn how to deal with uncertain situations and how to cope without us. Peeling back our layers of protection and giving our kids more freedom to make their own choices, do things for themselves without our oversight, and take healthy risks without us nearby (like climbing a tree!) will help them grow confident rather than anxious.
4. It can change the way you do everyday things.
To deal with your worries, you may have picked up some bad habits. Some people stress eat to cope, or they rely on caffeine. Others may have a glass of wine to calm any anxiety at the end of a long day. Maybe, because of your anxiety, you’ve stopped working out or seeing friends. You might rationalize that you don’t have time to do these things or you feel guilty for taking time for yourself when you’re worried about your child. But neglecting your own wellbeing only feeds your anxiety; it doesn’t relieve it.
How to manage it: If you have a negative coping strategy like stress eating, find a healthy substitute when you notice your worries start to increase. Instead of reaching for sugary foods, grab some free weights or walking shoes. “Exercise can help by relieving the built-up stress and tension,” says Linda Hubbard, LMFT, of the Mayo Clinic. Choosing a better way to cope can become a good habit with time.
5. It can make you feel like you’re not yourself.
When my daughter was little, I had a lot of anxiety because she was allergic to so many foods. For a long time, I wasn’t myself. I no longer enjoyed eating and lost an unhealthy amount of weight. I couldn’t sleep at night, and I felt on edge almost every minute of the day. If you don’t feel like yourself, you could be struggling with anxiety as well. It could be health worries like the ones I had for my daughter, or something else like separation anxiety when your child leaves you for the first day of daycare or school. If you’ve been more irritable, cranky, or tired in recent weeks, think about the cause. If it’s fear or worry about your kids, you’re not alone.
How to manage it: Remind yourself that kids go through phases, and this one likely won’t last forever. Also, find supportive friends or family members who can give you a break from your parenting duties every so often. Spending time on your own interests for a bit can also remind you what you were like before becoming a mom. It’s not easy seeing your child go through a difficult stage, but when you take care of your own mental health, you’re going to be a better support system for your child.
Have you experienced parenting anxiety? How did you manage it?
