My husband has a new coworker who has made his job infinitely better. He comes home from work feeling accomplished about today and excited about tomorrow. I’m really happy for him. It’s just that his new colleague is a woman.
In a moment of transparency, I came right out and said, “She’s great, but it makes me a little uncomfortable. I need to know you’ve set boundaries.” My husband responded calmly with, “OK. Can we talk through that?” I realized my fear wasn’t an affair; it was that he would start liking her more than me. That moment of vulnerability helped us establish a few boundaries with the opposite sex in marriage. Protect your marriage, too, by setting these 5 boundaries with people of the opposite sex.
1. No venting about your spouse to the other person.
Years ago, I made the mistake of venting to a male coworker about an argument I had with my husband. Like any good friend, he supported my perspective, which made me feel seen. That should’ve been harmless, but I’d inadvertently opened myself up to him emotionally, which created distance between my husband and me. In our conversation, my husband and I agreed this was one of the non-negotiable boundaries with the opposite sex in marriage.
If you find yourself tempted to share frustrations about your husband with another man, the better choice is to talk to your husband about what’s bothering you. Use “I feel” statements and avoid pointing fingers. Instead of growing in intimacy with another man, you’ll be building trust by talking about ways you both can grow and love each other better.
2. Shut down comparison talk immediately.
My husband assured me he wouldn’t vent to his coworker about me, and I trusted him. But I shared with him that I was also afraid he’d notice things she did that I didn’t. For example, she’s really good at words of affirmation, which I stink at. I imagined him saying things to her like, “Abby doesn’t encourage me like you do.”
In your marriage, agree not to say things to friends or colleagues of the opposite sex that compare them to your spouse. “I wish my husband dressed as nice as you.” “My husband doesn’t get my jokes like you do.” Not only does it send the wrong message to the other person, it’s disrespectful to your spouse. Try using more encouraging words or gratitude in your marriage. When you make positive language the language of your marriage, you’ll both start noticing more of the good things the other does.
3. No sharing photos you wouldn’t want your spouse to know you’ve sent.
A friend of mine once confided that she had shared a selfie with a male friend that she wouldn’t have sent if her husband had been standing right next to her. The photo wasn’t inappropriate, but she admitted that it felt different, almost secretive.
Secretive behavior, even something as simple as sending a photo, can erode trust and create emotional distance. Before hitting send, ask yourself if you would want your husband to see this message or photo. Your gut will hopefully give you the right answer. Then ask yourself why you were tempted to send it, and talk about it. Are you feeling unwanted? Unattractive? Bored? Transparency and vulnerability are powerful protectors of marriage.
4. No texting messages you wouldn’t want your spouse to read.
If I need to text one of my friends’ husbands, I almost always include my friend on the text, too. “Hey guys! Nick, you asked about our financial advisor. Here’s his contact info!” There’s nothing I’d say to the husband that my friend can’t read, but still, I protect my friendship, my friend’s marriage, and my marriage by sending group texts.
Co-worker texts can be trickier. There’s a difference between texting your male coworker smack talk about his March Madness bracket and texting to complain about your husband’s snoring at 1 a.m. Like sending photos, if you’d be fine with your husband opening your phone and reading the text thread, you’re likely in safe territory. A strong marriage is based on trust, and if you feel a little shaky in this area, carve out time to talk with your husband about why, and decide together what you both can do about it.
5. No alcohol if you’re alone with the opposite sex.
A friend once told me how she ended up having drinks alone with a male coworker after a work event. Nothing happened, but she admitted that the combination of alcohol and being alone could have easily led to something more if she hadn’t been careful. Also, there’s something about having a drink with someone of the opposite sex that has a date vibe.
Alcohol can lead to blurred lines and bad decisions. If you have a work event where alcohol is served, give yourself a one-drink limit or find a way for your spouse to come along.
Which of these boundaries would be the hardest for you to keep? Why? Would you add any to the list?
