Childhood anxiety has been on the rise in recent years and with it, child indecisiveness. In Nola Parenting Magazine, Pat Blackwell, PhD, points out that many parents have shifted to flexible parenting, giving kids more options. Things like bedtime and what to have for dinner used to be parent decisions. And too many options can overwhelm a child and contribute to a stressful environment. “Stressed kids become paralyzed about decision making, even when it comes to more trivial things like choosing a breakfast cereal, a bedtime book, or what shirt to wear,” says Blackwell. So, while it’s important to build kids’ decision-making abilities, think about how many choices you’re giving your child in a given day.
We want to involve kids in decisions that directly affect their lives. But as Blackwell says, “[C]hildren feel secure when parents are firm and set clear limits.” Finding a balance is important. To ward off decision-making anxiety, incorporate these 5 strategies in your home.
1. Start with the easy stuff.
“Should I bring an umbrella?” My son stood by the window examining the sky. If you’ve been in the habit of making the easy, everyday decisions for your kid, it’s time to step back. I admit, making these choices for my kid speeds things up, but in a few years, he’s going to be off to college. Clinical social worker Grace Berman says if your kid’s worrying about what to pick on a menu or what to wear to school, it could be anxiety-based. “If that’s the case, then it’s really helpful to not make the decisions for them,” Berman said. “They need to practice building that skill.” Help your child by giving two options, and then be patient. Praise whatever choice he makes, especially if he does it fast. That will reinforce the behavior.
2. Allow them to make the “wrong” decisions.
For low-risk choices like what to pack for lunch, there are little or no consequences. For mid-range decisions that might be impulsive like wearing flip-flops when it’s supposed to snow, your child will experience natural consequences if her toes get chilly! She’ll remember what happened the next time the temperature dips. Making mistakes help kids learn. Even if it’s a bad choice, Eileen Kennedy-Moore, PhD says, “When we trust our kids to make decisions, we not only give them practice with an important life skill, we also help them develop resilience.” And it’s only through experience that this can happen. So, even if it pains you to watch your child walk out the door without a jacket, let her go—and let her learn.
3. Ask, “Is it working for you?”
If your child’s been putting off homework until the last minute, try asking, “Is it working well for you to wait until 8pm?” If he’s hanging around kids who put him down, ask the same question: “Is this friendship working for you?” Procrastinating with homework or avoiding stressful confrontations is easy. But it doesn’t solve the problem. Work with your child to come up with a plan. Talk with him about decision-making that will help him thrive in academics or social situations. Uncomfortable situations like these are good practice in decision-making. When it’s done, hopefully he’ll find that things are working out better for him.
4. Support the big choices, even if they’re not yours.
My friend Viv wanted her daughter Annabelle to pick the private school she went to for middle school. It might’ve been the reason Annabelle had so much decision-making anxiety. Viv couldn’t help pointing out all the great programs her former school offered. It’s hard for kids to be decisive if the people they know and love are letting their opinions be known—and inadvertently stressing them out. As long as it’s safe and feasible to do so, try to stay out of the big choices. If your child knows she has your support either way, it’ll make it easier for her to be decisive and lessen any decision-making anxiety she might have.
5. Build their self-worth.
Being decisive takes practice. But it’s gets easier if a kid has confidence in himself. A child who has a positive inner voice and who avoids negative self-talk is going to face a difficult decision with less fear about whether it’s “wrong” or whether he’ll “fail.” We can help build our kids’ self-worth by validating their emotions when they’re struggling, supporting them when they make mistakes, and encouraging their efforts. There will be hundreds of opportunities for you to do these things! So, if you mess up, or think you said the wrong thing, don’t worry—another opportunity will come soon enough.
Decision-making anxiety can be frustrating for both kids and parents. What big (or small) decision has your child recently made?
