“Didn’t you notice what she had on? I can’t believe you were going to let her go to school like that!” I angrily stage-whispered to my husband in the kitchen. I didn’t want our 13-year-old to catch wind of our disagreement as she stomped up the stairs to change. In assessing our daughter’s outfit choices, I deemed the clothes “not in my house” worthy, and my husband categorized them as “not a big deal.” The fashion police battle lines were drawn.
Of course, not agreeing on leggings without a long shirt seems like a minor conflict in the big scheme of a marriage. However, not being united in your approach with your kids can cause longer-term relationship issues. If you and your husband struggle with differences in parenting styles, adopt these 5 approaches to move from conflict to collaboration.
1. Respect each other’s differences.
Authoritative, gentle, helicopter, tiger—while you might not know your exact label, you can probably easily define how you and your husband differ in approaches. With your unique upbringings, experiences, and personalities, you’re bound to bump into “I-wouldn’t-do-it-that-way” moments, so don’t get too defensive.
It’s not your way or the highway. Parenting is one of the roads you travel together. And it’s not about one way being better than the other, either. They’re just… different. For example, you might be a master scheduler and task manager. You aim to set and follow a routine for your child that ensures consistency in the day. However, your husband prefers to go with the flow and adapt the schedule to spontaneous changes. Moms and dads often parent differently and families thrive with a balance of both.
2. Set common parenting goals.Â
Discuss and establish goals for your children to focus your parenting efforts with a “same team” approach rather than your individual parenting styles. When you first came home with a newborn, your survival-mode goals were probably simple—keep the baby alive and get her to sleep. But in parenting life, times change almost as much as you changed your child’s diaper back then. So, plan on goals that evolve as you move from young kids into elementary and then the teen years.
Questions to get the conversation going:
- What hopes and dreams do we have for this child?
- What character traits do we want to instill in our child?
- Do we want our children to grow up in a specific faith or belief system? What is important to us about our shared faith?
- What do we want our relationship to look like with her after childhood?
3. Talk about your differences.
Despite what those heat-of-the-moment argument flares might signal, differences in parenting styles are best discussed when you’re each calm. A chill demeanor helps you listen with the intent to understand rather than make a scathing counter-point. When you’re ready, discuss the unique perspectives, abilities, and experiences you each bring to your parenting. You might find your differences more evident during specific developmental stages, situations, or even between daughters and sons. So, consider this an ongoing conversation in your marriage.
Ask each other about your differences in parenting with questions such as:
- Why do you think we should allow our child to ______? Or at what age do you think we should allow our child to _______?
- What do you want to do differently from your parents? What do you think they did well?
- I see how much thought you put into this. Can you help me understand it better?
- What can I do to better support the way you parent?
4. Find a middle ground.
Unify your approach by identifying areas where you can agree to meet halfway. When you work together and find healthy compromises, you strengthen your marriage by reducing stress and conflict. But it also supports your child’s development! A paper published in the Child Development journal includes several studies showing that children whose parents use positive co-parenting strategies, including compromising, have fewer behavioral problems and better relationships with others.
Oh, and agreeing on a middle ground might also lessen the likelihood of your child thinking he’ll get a different answer, depending on who he asks. You know the classic kid trick: Mom said “no” to another bowl of ice cream, so I’ll ask Dad.Â
5. Divide responsibilities based on each other’s strengths.
During the toddler years, my husband took over the bathtime routine. After dinner, our two girls would giggle up the stairs with Dad to splash around under his watchful eye. They loved his playful approach to the routine. When he wasn’t available, I’d step in and get the job done with the finesse of a drill sergeant. I’ll give you to a count of three to guess who the girls thought was better at it.
Assigning parenting “tasks” that align with your differences in parenting styles allows both of you to contribute effectively and meet your child’s needs. You know there are enough parenting to-dos to go around! If your husband exudes patience, let him teach your 15-year-old how to drive. If you’re naturally skilled with empathy, you may be the perfect parent to coach your child through friendship issues.
How do you handle differences in parenting styles?
