The woman who watched my kids when they were little was a saint. Yes, she was a praying woman, but that’s not what I mean. She earned her halo by putting up with me.
When she started, I handed her a legal pad with times down the left side of the page. Next to each time was a task or activity. Much of the list was in 15- or 30-minute increments. I wouldn’t have blamed her if she nodded, said, “Got it!” and then tossed the pad aside as soon as she heard the garage door close and the rumble of my car engine fade into the distance. It was a lot, so I wish I’d heard back then the amazing advice I want to give you right now.
The key to a calmer, happier day with your toddler has less to do with nailing down the perfect schedule and more to do with shifting how you think about your day together.
Our toddlers don’t need a schedule.
But wait. Don’t kids thrive on a schedule? Mmm, not exactly. That’s just something we overfunctioners like to tell ourselves so we have an excuse to create a color-coded timeline to post on the wall. I do love colored boxes and charts. They bring me so much joy!
Moms like me make the mistake of hearing valuable things like, “Having a set bedtime and nighttime routine is beneficial for children’s growth,” and concluding that scheduling the rest of the day must lead to even more growth. But close out your Excel spreadsheet and put your legal pad away. A schedule isn’t what’s going to help toddlers thrive.
They need a routine.
According to child development experts, toddlers’ brains are still developing the capacity for emotional regulation, and they can’t do that work when they’re in a constant low-grade state of what happens next? That’s where the predictability of routines comes in and helps toddlers feel safe.
When the sequence of your toddler’s day is familiar and repeatable, her nervous system gets to relax, and she’s more open to learning too. A 2024 systematic review of 170 studies found that consistent daily routines are linked to better self-regulation, emotional health, and cognitive outcomes in young children.
So, am I just splitting hairs? Are routines and schedules the same thing, especially in the context of parenting a toddler?
A schedule is a series of actions to be performed at a specific time, while a routine is a series of actions that happen in a certain order. When you compare the two, you’ll see how embracing a routine can lead to growth for your child and peace for you.
Routines for toddlers leave room for flexibility.
The playdate at the park is wrapping up, and your friend suggests grabbing lunch. If you’re tied to your schedule, you might say, “We’d love to, but we can’t because we like to lie down for a nap within 20 minutes of finishing lunch.” A routine would enable you to say, “Sure! We just have to get home in time for an afternoon nap.”
Toddlers can’t tell time! So it’s the familiar sequence of events that helps regulate your toddler’s nervous system, not the time they happen. Nap after lunch? Yes. Nap at 12:30 p.m. sharp? Not necessary. And when the routine bends a little without breaking, everyone wins. You’re less stressed, and your toddler still gets the predictability her nervous system needs.
Routines for toddlers help you relax.
Every Thursday, you go to story time at the library at 2 p.m. But when it turns 1:45, and you realize you have to stop for gas or you won’t make it to the library, your stress level starts to skyrocket, and then, inevitably, you can only find one of your child’s shoes. Instead of always having to show up at the library for a scheduled story time, having a routine of “Thursday visit to the library after nap” sets you up for a more relaxed pace.
And your pace matters. Research shows that parents with higher stress levels are actually less likely to maintain consistent routines, which means your anxiety about the schedule can undermine the very thing you’re trying to create. A routine-based mindset is a gift to both of you.
Routines for toddlers help them learn responsibility.
If your routine is that you head to the park every morning after breakfast, but before you leave the house, you have to put the dishes in the dishwasher, your toddler will learn that certain things need to be done before you can go have fun. Having a schedule often results in rushing and then Mom doing the picking up.
Routines for toddlers grow with them.
Every mom knows that as soon as you fall into a schedule, it changes. Your child hits a growth spurt and naps differently or eats more frequently, or it’s time to enroll him in preschool. Having a routine makes for gentler adjustments as your child grows.
Routines help moms be more present.
I loved lying on a blanket in the front yard with my boys and watching them yank grass out of the ground or find a buried rock. Too many times, I noticed the clock was ticking, telling me I’d been outside too long and we were running behind on something else. Embracing a routine instead of a schedule gives you the freedom to stay in the moment instead of thinking of where you need to be next.
And those unhurried, in-the-moment moments? They’re exactly the kind of warm, predictable interaction that builds your toddler’s emotional security and trust. And they are good for you too!
What’s a routine you do in your home that you think is benefiting your child?
