“She only wants me” became my constant response to my husband during Ellery’s toddler years. She’d cry. He’d offer to soothe her. “She only wants me,” I’d reply. She’d waddle in with a book. He’d offer to read. “She only wants me,” I’d say. She’d come down with croup again. He’d offer to rock her in the steamy bathroom. “She only wants me,” I’d insist. And maybe she did. But maybe—just maybe—my rapid reaction was part of the reason she didn’t realize she also wanted her dad.
As moms, we often take the lead in parenting early on. Unintentionally, we can create a dynamic where dads feel unsure of their place. But we can fix that. Encouraging dads in parenting means stepping aside enough to let them step in next to us. If your husband is lingering on the sidelines, these 5 honest questions can help you invite him closer.
1. “Do I correct him when he parents differently than I would?”
Studies show men and women often parent differently. In your home, that might look like you winding down the day with snuggles and stories, while your husband lets the kids jump on the bed and wrestle before lights out. He’s not doing it wrong. He’s just doing it his way. Trust him to show up in a way authentic to who he is and the way he does the whole dad thing.
How to step aside: The next time you feel the urge to correct your husband, ask yourself, “Is this unsafe, or is it just not how I would do it?” If it’s the latter, let go of the need to control. Later say, “I wouldn’t have thought to do that. Thank you for showing me something new.” Affirming his approach builds his confidence and your parenting partnership!
2. “Do I give him the space to figure things out, or do I step in too quickly?”
When we step in too quickly, we rob our husbands of the very experience that will make them stronger, more confident dads. After all, how many times did you learn something important about parenting by doing it first? Your husband deserves that same freedom. Whether he’s handling a meltdown at the store or packing up the car to take the kids to the park, resist the urge to micromanage. Let him figure out what makes him a good dad.
How to step aside: The next time he’s handling a situation solo, you might try physically walking out of the room or doing something else, like sorting the laundry. Let him parent without feeling watched or judged. And later, if he wants to talk about how it went, listen first. Your support speaks louder than advice.
3. “Do I assume I’m the ‘better’ or ‘default’ parent?”
Sit with this question for a minute and be honest with yourself. If you see yourself as the more capable or primary parent, your husband might feel like a supporting character in your story. But your guy is leading-man material! When you start trusting him to parent his way, something shifts. He shows up more. He tries harder. He stops deferring to you and starts owning his role. And, Mom, letting go of the idea that you’re the only one who “gets it right” frees both of you to grow as parents and as a team.
How to step aside: Watch your language. Catch yourself before saying things like, “I’ll just do it myself,” or making jokes about him being clueless. Speak highly of him as a dad in front of your kids, your friends, and directly to him, too.
4. “Am I making room for one-on-one time between him and the kids?”
Kids act differently when it’s just Dad. They pick up on his rhythms, his classic dad jokes, and his way of doing things. Alone time together deepens this bond. But when we hover—offering snacks, managing behavior, decoding emotions—it can unintentionally crowd out their chance to just be with each other.
How to step back: Want to help their bond grow? Suggest he take the kids to the park while you run errands, or they have a pizza-and-movie night that’s completely theirs. My kids have learned that to play video games, watch a movie, or grab a burger, it’s their dad they want, not me.
5. “Do I feel the need to ‘fix’ their relationship instead of letting it develop naturally?”
Your child (or your husband) doesn’t need you to be the “interpreter” for their relationship. As tempting as it is to step in, relationships need time, space, and sometimes a little awkwardness to grow. Trust that they’ll find their way. Your quiet support behind the scenes is often more powerful than any well-meaning interference.
How to step aside: Sometimes, encouraging dads in parenting means being quiet. When you notice tension or distance between your husband and kids, resist the urge to “coach” them. (Unless your husband asks first!) Then let him know what works for you, while also pointing out how his parenting strengths could play into the situation. And if your child vents about Dad, listen with empathy, but don’t rush to explain or fix. Let them both grow through the process of learning about each other.
How do you create space for your husband to bond with the kids without feeling like you have to “manage” the moment? Let’s swap ideas for encouraging dads in parenting.
