Did you know most research on sex and sexual arousal has been done on men? What we consider to be the traditional sexual response cycle—desire, arousal, climax, resolution—was based entirely on the man’s sex drive and how men experience sex. If the research on sex is based on a man’s response, then so are all the things the research influences, including our expectations. And that’s a problem.
What It’s Actually Like for Women
Men’s sexual response cycle begins with desire, which leads to arousal. For women, those first two steps are flip-flopped. We start with arousal, which then leads to a desire for sex. Let’s dive deeper into what that looks like for a woman. See if you can recognize some of your own experiences in the sexual response cycle women actually go through. Understanding this difference is key to helping you improve your sex life for both you and your husband!
1. Arousal
When you and your husband are on the couch watching your favorite show, all you have to say is “bedroom,” and he’s already halfway down the hall. But women often don’t think about sex 24/7 or even once a day. So in an otherwise normal moment, if your husband asks for intimacy, it can seem out of the blue. It probably earns him an automatic no, right?
But have you ever noticed that, if you think about it for a few seconds, sometimes it doesn’t sound like the worst idea he’s ever had? That’s because women need a little more time to experience the arousal that propels them into the desire to have sex.
So the next time your husband suggests some intimacy, instead of an automatic no, buy yourself a little time to allow nature to do its work. Maybe say, “I don’t know. Give me a minute.” Or if you think a back rub or a foot massage might do the trick, say, “Not right now, but you might be able to convince me.” Maybe you’ll find you need a whole day to work up to the idea. Or perhaps you’re just really not in the mood.
2. Desire
For men, desire seems instant. This makes sense because it’s the first step in their sexual response cycle. It’s very different biologically for a woman. Many women admit this difference makes them worry they have a lack of sexual desire. It leads to worry that there’s something wrong with them. The reality is, they’re just built differently than their husbands.
Sure, a lack of sex drive can sometimes be an indication of hormonal imbalance, mismatched sex drives, or other issues. But the inability to go from couch to bedroom in the blink of an eye is a very normal experience for a woman. Remember, our cycle is arousal first, then desire. Not desire, then arousal, like it is for men. So we often won’t experience instant desire.
3. Climax
According to research, a woman’s sex drive is cyclical. The closer a woman gets to ovulation, the more she will want to have sex. That will slacken as the time of her period approaches. When trying to conceive, many women will become familiar with the signs of cyclic fertility, which include sexual arousal.
If you and your husband are aware of the ins and outs of your menstrual cycle, you can accurately anticipate those times when you will be more likely to want sex. Then you can lean into that! And when those times come around when you need a bit more convincing, it’s nice to know it’s not just you. There’s a scientific reason.
4. Resolution
From the kids to the bills, the dirty house to the endless laundry, it’s easy for sex to become less of a priority after having kids. And when you throw childbirth in the mix, things can get very complicated. You may even find your husband intensely attractive, but you still might not want to have sex. This can be confusing for both of you, but it’s a very relatable experience for many women.
In the months following our son’s birth, the only thing I was heading to the bedroom for was sleep. I was exhausted, hormonal, and still recovering from childbirth. Like many postpartum women, my desire for sex was nonexistent. I knew this was totally normal, but my husband did not. When we finally talked about it, he admitted he thought he was the reason for my lack of desire.
In reality, because of the recent childbirth, my arousal wasn’t there, and so neither was the desire. Remember, a woman’s sexual response cycle starts with arousal and follows with desire. That’s not to say the desire can never get there. But if your arousal is low due to recent childbirth or the timing in your monthly cycle, it can take longer or more effort for that arousal to turn into desire.
Sex is an important part of marriage. Keep talking to your husband about how you feel and work to find common ground. Maybe he needs to put more effort into the arousal stage for you. Maybe you need to do a better job communicating when you need a little more time to warm up to the idea. Whatever it is, work together to keep the spark alive!
How does the nature of a woman’s sexual response cycle affect the way you and your husband approach sex as a couple?
