We’d been invited to an acquaintance’s house for a game night with our teens. When my family walked through the door, the hostess greeted us, and a moment later, her son ran down the stairs. “Wait, Jon,” she said. “Go back upstairs and put on a clean shirt.” She gave me a look. “He washed the car in that one.” Jon’s smile fell, but he turned around and went back upstairs. I understood how his mom felt, but I also sympathized with this nearly 6-foot-tall high school junior. It made me wonder about my own role with my son—maybe I needed to work on being a more supportive and less controlling mother as well.
As moms, we have a special relationship with our sons. But when we hold them too close and refuse to give them the freedom to make their own choices, we hurt their potential—and damage the relationship. No kids can thrive when their mom is controlling too much of their lives. Here are 6 strategies to be a supportive, rather than controlling, mother.
1. As he gets older, move from the front seat to the back seat in his life.
At some point, your son’s going to need to drive himself both literally and figuratively. If he asks for your opinion on what to fix for a snack, toss the question back at him: What do you think? If the issues are weightier, like which classes to take or where to apply to college, talk with him about his options, but hold back on your opinion. And when he finally decides, don’t contradict or make him question himself. Support, but don’t drive his life.
2. Point the way, but don’t pass on your own worries to him.
You can encourage your son to take his vitamins, start his homework before dinner, and take a shower before bedtime, but be careful not to cross from supportive into controlling-mother mode: Wear a hat—you don’t want to get cold. Brush your teeth—you don’t want your lab partner to think you smell. If he’s come to rely on you to think for him, he won’t learn how to think for himself and won’t develop confidence in his decisions. Let him make mistakes and grow from them.
3. Speak your wisdom without guilt-tripping him for not accepting it.
We want to teach our boys to have strong values and good behavior. But what happens when our kids disagree with our values? It’s natural and oftentimes expected for adolescents to question their values and beliefs. We should share wisdom with our children, but then let them “experience their own thoughts and feelings without trying to make them feel guilty or unloved if these thoughts and feelings are different” from ours, says Jennifer E. Lansford, PhD. Doing so can heighten their risk of developing anxiety or depression. It’s also not going to be good for your relationship. If you want your son to become independent as an adult, he needs the room and respect to develop his own thoughts too.
4. If he’s used to your help, wean him off it.
Helping our kids satisfies an innate desire to nurture. It might also make us feel closer to our sons. But it’s going to be better for them as they grow if we do less of what they can do for themselves. Pick somewhere to start—maybe have him make his own lunch for a few weeks. Once that becomes routine, teach him how to do his laundry. Look for more ways you can hand over the reins and he will feel more confident in himself and, ironically, in his relationship with you. A controlling mother does all the work for her child, but a supportive mother empowers him by teaching him how to take care of himself.
5. Accept him for who he is, even as he makes mistakes and bad choices.
It’s hard when we pour so much time, money, and effort into our kids to see them fail or take a completely different path. But if we don’t accept our boys for who they are, and instead force our will on them, we risk losing the relationship. Let’s choose to be less intense and more supportive of their healthy choices. If he chooses to quit soccer to take up guitar or watch a movie instead of study for a quiz, try to step back. Sometimes kids have to learn through experience and natural consequences. Being in charge of their own lives is ultimately going to make our kids happier and more confident in themselves.
However, if you see your son doing something destructive like skipping classes, drinking, doing drugs or vaping, do step in and talk with him. Those mistakes can be hard to rebound from without support and guidance. Help him to see the potentially life-altering consequences of these actions.
6. While he separates, enjoy your life too. Be a great role model.
Whether he’s 7 or 17, he’s watching you. What do you do for fun? If you’ve organized his playdates, scheduled extra lessons and classes and driven him all over to make these appointments for years, he may start to think he’s your only interest. More downtime and freedom to follow his own pursuits will be good for him. He also needs to learn how to manage his time. Watching how you do it might be a good start. So, take a walk with your friend, read a book after dinner, or start that hobby you’ve always wanted to learn. It’s never too late to change course.
In what ways can you switch roles to be a more supportive, and less controlling, mother?
