“There’s been a notable increase in anxiety among children over the past few years, making them the most anxious generation of all time,” says licensed clinical social worker Amy Morin. Most kids experience some anxiety from time to time, and it’s just a part of normal life. But when anxiety disrupts daily functioning, it may be an anxiety disorder. The good news is that anxiety disorders are treatable. And because we as parents spend so much time with our kids, how we parent can have a significant impact on decreasing or exacerbating a child’s anxiety.
Being aware of what you can do and being intentional with your actions can help your child build resilience and overcome anxiousness. Here are 5 strategies you can implement now to beat anxiety and build your child’s strength.
1. Let your child take healthy risks. Be aware of when you’re overly cautious.
If your child wants to climb a tall structure on the playground, do you let her? If you do, are your first words, “Be careful!” If your child’s old enough to run into the library to pick up a book herself, do you still walk in together? Do you drive her to school because you’ve heard buses are breeding grounds for bullies? Our intentions are good, but sometimes, we unintentionally rob our children of opportunities to grow their confidence, independence, and resilience. Our own worries about their safety get in the way.
Let your child know you believe in her and you’re confident in her abilities. Being overly cautious can increase her anxious thoughts. While we may not agree with everything she says, Dr. Becky Kennedy has great advice about anxiety: “Competence is the antidote to anxiety, and competence actually comes from watching yourself struggle, take on a risk, and not even be great at something—just survive it.” Kids need to take chances to gain confidence and overcome anxiety. Everything isn’t going to go well all the time. But that’s how a person builds resilience: by facing fears.
2. Control and micromanage less of what your child does.
If we want our kids to develop resilience and the skills needed to cope when things don’t go the way they want, we have to step back more and micromanage less. This is really hard to do, especially if you’re a hands-on parent. Journalist Joe Pinsker says this type of parenting has become the norm with “[s]upervised, enriching playtime” being one of the hallmarks of what some are calling “intensive parenting.” But according to child-care policy expert and author Elliot Haspel, intensive parenting “mainly serves to burn out parents while harming children’s competence and mental health.” A study published in Frontiers in Psychology found emerging evidence that parents who were overprotective and controlling negatively affected their children’s mental health. These kids showed symptoms of anxiety and depression.
When parents over-schedule and micromanage, they don’t give kids opportunities to develop the skills needed to grow up mentally healthy. To overcome anxiousness, a child needs to build his self-esteem through problem-solving, independent play, and trial and error. As he builds resilience and gains confidence in himself, he’ll also worry less.
3. It isn’t easy, but focus on consistency.
Imagine you have this rule at home: no video games until homework is done. But every so often, you catch your child sneaking onto his gaming device. What do you do? If you aren’t consistent with the consequences for breaking the rule, he’ll probably keep sneaking around, testing his luck. But if he knows he’ll lose his device for a week if he breaks the rule because you’ve enforced it in the past, he’ll be less likely to take a chance. This is an issue all parents face, but for parents of an anxious child, it may help even more to work on your consistency. “Setting clear rules and expectations for behavior helps children and teenagers understand boundaries, which can alleviate anxiety,” says child therapist Helena Madsen.
It will bring a sense of calm to your home if there are fewer arguments about rules and consequences. And peace and calm is exactly what a child with anxiety needs. Without consistency, home can be confusing for kids. But clear and consistent boundaries provide a sense of security.
4. Emphasize responsibility, even if he’s busy.
If you want to build resilience in your child, he needs opportunities to grow more confident in himself. “Resilience begins with responsibility,” says Caroline Buzanko, PhD. Sometimes we just don’t want to hand over responsibilities to our kids. “It can be hard for parents to let children do more, and perhaps mess up, when a parent could do a task more quickly and effectively,” says New York Times contributor Sharon Holbrook. Or, we tell ourselves our kids are too busy with other activities. We rationalize that homework and piano practice are more important than sweeping the floor. But “small opportunities to feel useful and successful are good for kids’ mental health,” Holbrook says.
If he’s a tech-savvy kid, he might enjoy showing you how to download an app or change your background photo. And if he can do those things, he can also learn how to do his laundry or work the vacuum cleaner. Give your child a choice to wipe down the table or load the dishwasher after dinner. He’ll get it done quickly if he has other things he wants to do. And the responsibility of completing this task will work directly against anxiety. “Children who feel secure and competent are more likely to thrive in and out of school and be hopeful and resilient in the face of life’s inevitable setbacks,” says Robert Brooks, PhD. Remember how important competence is? As Dr. Becky said, it’s the antidote for anxiety.
5. Validate your kid’s feelings, but reassure less.
What if I can’t find a partner? What if no one likes me? An anxious child wants to know everything’s going to be OK. But, of course, we can’t predict the future. It’s important to be supportive of your child but honest as well. You could say, “I know you’re worried about who you’re going to sit with at lunch, and that’s OK. You can look around for a friendly face. You might find someone else who’s on their own too.” We don’t know if “everything will be fine,” so it’s not fair to tell this to the child. Even though it’s well-meaning, it minimizes her feelings. Also, “Constant reassurance robs children of opportunities to learn how to roll with the punches,” says Buzanko.
Reassurances like “It’s not so bad!” might make her feel better temporarily, but that’s it. If you want to help her overcome anxiety and build resilience, it’s better to let her grapple with uncertainty in that moment and work through it herself. You can do it!
Are there other ways for a child to overcome anxiousness?
