Oh man. I wanted to start the conversation about porn, but I didn’t. I wanted my son to be safe online but didn’t want to go into detail about what’s out there. But I knew accidents happened. And I also knew sometimes kids go looking for it because they’re curious. I’d heard a startling stat recently that “most kids today are exposed to porn by age 13.” It made me feel sick thinking about it. With all this in mind, I still wasn’t sure how to talk to my son about porn.
But after thinking about it a little and reading up on the issue, I told myself I could do it. I’m here to say you can do it too, whether your son’s an elementary-aged kid, a tween, or a teen. Because we love our sons, we have these tough talks. Here’s how to talk to your son about porn.
1. Find out what he already knows.
Don’t assume. Ask: “Can you tell me what pornography is?” While older kids and teens may understand that porn has to do with naked people, they may not know more than that. Because porn has moved from illicit magazines to the internet, what kids might find is likely more graphic and more disturbing. I didn’t really know how to talk to my son about porn, let alone delve into how violent it could be, but I knew I didn’t have to cover everything in this first conversation. See how the convo goes with your son and decide if it’s better to get it all out now or to wait a few months to bring it up again.
And if you have a younger child who hasn’t heard of porn, it’s your opportunity to give a general definition: “Porn includes pictures or videos of people doing sexual acts. They can be disturbing and even violent.” You know your child and his maturity. So, use your best judgement on how much you want to say during a first conversation.
2. Provide the truth.
There are several truths, but here are a few: Porn doesn’t depict what real love looks like. (Or real bodies, for that matter.) Often, women are mistreated in it. And porn can include violence, which is never welcomed in a loving relationship.
Another truth is that pornography can damage real-life relationships. “While some view it as harmless entertainment, it often creates unrealistic expectations, leads to insecurity, and can escalate into addiction,” says MentalHealth.com. Our boys need to know these truths. Depending on your son’s age, you don’t have to go into much detail. But for tweens, it’s important to get this message out sooner than later.
3. Ask if he’s seen it.
You might not want to know the answer, but it will frame future discussions with your son. Knowledge is power. And if you know what your son’s eyes have seen (or haven’t), you can work to educate him about porn’s dangers. Also, depending on what he says about porn, you can clarify any misconceptions.
Because many kids have phones, and computers are in classrooms, our sons have an increased chance of accidental porn exposure. Jonathan Haidt, the author of The Anxious Generation, cites a Common Sense report saying kids are spending “an average of nearly seven hours a day of leisure time (not counting school and homework) on screen media, which includes playing video games and watching videos on Netflilx, YouTube, or pornography sites.” So, even if porn isn’t their intent, because of the sheer number of hours online, the chance of exposure increases.
4. Make sure he understands it isn’t right.
You might not think your son has been exposed to pornography, but sending nude, or semi-nude photos (think bra and underwear), of classmates is becoming more common in middle and high schools. Ask your son about the texts and snaps he and his friends send. Even if he feels that “everyone is doing it,” or “a bra is like a swimsuit top” we know it isn’t right—or healthy for him to view or send these photos. Nude pictures could also be illegal and considered “child pornography.” According to US federal law, “taking a nude picture of one’s self or another person when under the age of 18 could be considered ‘producing’[child sexual exploitation material] CSEM.”
Seeing porn can not only be “disturbing,” but “traumatizing,” Dr. Lisa Damour said on her podcast as she referenced a 13-year-old whose friend texted him a pornographic image. Having an open conversation about these issues with your tween or teen is necessary. When he understands you’re a safe person he can talk to, he will be more likely to come to you in the future with questions.
5. Keep the conversation going.
Your first talk about porn may only last two or three minutes. He could be as young as 8 or 9 and you might not go into much detail. Or, you may have that conversation at 12 or 13. I didn’t talk to my son about it until he was 16—but better late than never. At whatever age, your boy may not say much—or anything. That’s OK. Getting it out there and talking about the dangers with him plants the seed that pornography is harmful, and he should steer clear of it. Bring it up again in a few months. And in the meantime, keep a pulse on his texts and phone use.
Of course this isn’t a conversation we want to have. We’d like to think that by ignoring it, porn won’t touch our families. But the stakes are too high in our digital age to let it go. Setting the record straight, and beginning early with this conversation, are essential to protecting our kids.
Have you talked to your son about porn? How did it go?
