“Just go outside and run around.” That was my mom’s response when, at 13, I told her I wanted to lose weight. It wasn’t horrible advice, but it didn’t work. I didn’t want to run around. So instead, I looked at the calorie count on some of the food we had around the house, noticed that a slice of bread only had 75 calories, and decided my “diet” would be just eating bread. I’m sure you’re not surprised to hear that eating bread alone didn’t help me lose weight. But it also led to feelings of failure and frustration.
Research shows that dieting is generally ineffective at reducing body weight in adolescents and can have a negative impact on their mental health. So what do you do if your child says he or she wants to lose weight? First, pat yourself on the back that your child feels comfortable enough to come to you. Then, if you want to know how to talk to your child about weight, start by listening to the answers to these 4 questions.
1. Why do you want to lose weight?
If my mom had asked me this when I came to her, my answer would’ve been, “Because the thin girls don’t have to worry about their thighs touching or their bellies sticking out, and the boys pay attention to them.” She would’ve had a glimpse into my heart. Then again, it’s possible that I would’ve just said, “I don’t know,” so you might have to probe a little deeper. Does she want to fit into a pair of jeans? Look like someone else? If it’s your son, does he want to get leaner and stronger? Knowing your child’s goal for losing weight will help you determine what to do next. You might discover it’s not actually about the number on the scale at all.
If you get an eye-opening answer to this question, tread lightly. Don’t tell her she’s wrong for thinking she’ll be happy if she loses weight, as that might make her feel like you don’t understand. Tell her you hear her. Once you’ve validated her, shift the conversation to identifying the source of these thoughts as you consider how to talk to your child about weight.
2. Are any of your friends trying to lose weight?
Ask this question to get even more information and keep the discussion moving forward. If she names friends, ask what kind of dieting those kids are doing and if she thinks they should be trying to lose weight. You also might hear what the food-related environment is like for your child when she’s at school.
If you want to be bold, reach out privately to the mothers of those friends. Talk about how you can team up to encourage your kids to embrace body positivity. There’s power in numbers, and sometimes it just takes one good friend to help a kid feel good about herself.
3. What’s making you think about your weight now?
Maybe there’s someone at school teasing her about her weight. Maybe she’s following an influencer who is very body-conscious. Maybe she’s into fashion and hyper-aware of what clothes flatter certain body types. She could be reacting to the constant ads for GLP-1 weight-loss drugs. (And, not that you need to bring this up with your child, but GLP-1s are only approved for children 12 and older with clinical obesity.) Regarding social media use, research shows that “teens who used Snapchat, TikTok, and X for longer periods of time reported more weight concerns than their peers who used these platforms less often.”
Also, brace yourself because the answer to why she’s thinking about her weight might hit closer to home. She might say she sees you constantly pinching extra skin, frowning at what you see in the mirror, or commenting about food being too “fattening.” The way we talk to ourselves about our bodies will leave a strong impression on our kids. Examine what kinds of habits your child has picked up from the way you talk about your own health and body. And be aware that research shows that fit parents have a harder time accepting their “not thin” children.
4. How can we get healthier together?
Instead of encouraging your child to step on the scale and set a goal for weight loss, ask your child what ideas he or she has for the family to adopt a healthier lifestyle. Maybe she’ll want to start cooking healthy meals at home instead of going out to dinner. Or maybe he’ll want to start going for a walk in the evening after dishes are done. Talk more openly about enjoying food for how it tastes and appreciating the ways our bodies work. Encouraging our kids to find joy in movement and a delicious meal is a great way to help them build a healthy relationship with their bodies.
And if you’re tempted to present healthy alternatives as a path for your child to lose weight rather than as a way to live a healthy lifestyle, studies show that when parents encourage weight loss, it can lead to worse well-being for their children. But the same research found that encouraging healthy lifestyles didn’t have a negative impact when it wasn’t tied to losing weight as a goal. So, if you’re wondering how to talk with your child about weight, the most important consideration is that it should be child-led, not something you bring up.
And if your child does bring it up, move forward as best you can with love and acceptance.
If you suspect that your child is developing an eating disorder, make an appointment with her pediatrician. This site can also give you insight into how to move forward.
What other words of wisdom would you add for talking to your child about weight?
