I can still picture it as if it happened an hour ago. I was hosting a baby shower at my house, and things were winding down. Most of the guests had gone, but a few of us were sitting around and talking. My 3-year-old toddled up to me and asked for another cupcake. I distractedly told her no. And in 3-2-1, she threw herself on the floor and started rolling back and forth in her party dress, kicking and screaming, “I want a cupcake!” over and over. I froze. I was so embarrassed. I awkwardly tried to pick her up and explain why she couldn’t have a cupcake. She kept up her protest. In that moment, it was a lost cause. All eyes were on me, and I felt like a failure. The mom with the “spoiled child.”
So how do you unspoil a child? Don’t spoil them in the first place. Just kidding. There is nothing funny about realizing your child is acting spoiled and that you probably played a role in it. But take a deep breath and try not to feel overwhelmed by all of the advice out there and how you can’t follow it all. It’s OK. Just as our kids go through learning phases, we do too. Here’s how to unspoil your “spoiled” kids.
Provide boundaries.
One of my cousins was raised by parents who did not believe in saying no to him. They were studying alternative parenting theories in graduate school and chose to practice permissive parenting with him. So, go to someone’s house and pull everything off their shelves and throw it across the room? Sure. Dump your food on the floor if you don’t like it? No problem. Launch a few choice curse words at your mom even if you’re too little to know what they mean? Why not? Those are extreme examples, but when a toddler doesn’t have boundaries, their world becomes chaotic, and they appear spoiled. Research shows that permissive parents show a lot of warmth, but their “low behavioral control” limits opportunities for their children to develop emotional regulation. And their children are more likely to take risks as adolescents.
Having boundaries doesn’t mean going to the other extreme—authoritarian parenting. The middle ground of authoritative parenting encourages you to set boundaries to help your child learn to self-regulate, learn social skills, and learn independence. One more note on boundaries: You can’t spoil an infant or a baby. When a baby cries or fusses, they’re communicating a need in the only way they know how.
Focus on building good character in your kids.
If spoiled behavior is me-centered, then unspoiled behavior is others-centered. Focus on building good character in your children, so they grow into well-rounded, hardworking adults. That’s the long game! For now, if we treat our children with empathy and kindness, it will help them learn to self-regulate (fewer meltdowns and tantrums) and treat others the same way. So if your child screams for another cupcake, say, “I know you really want another cupcake. I love cupcakes too.” Then comfort her as she processes her emotions and accepts the reality of not getting it. If we give in at that moment just to stop the acting out, she won’t get the chance to learn that she can make it through frustrations and disappointments. She’ll instead learn—and use as a tactic as she gets older—that whining and demanding get results.
Ultimately, teaching empathy helps a child consider the world beyond his own wants. If he knocks down a friend’s block tower because it’s taller than his, instead of just telling him to apologize, consider also saying, “Oh, look at Noah. He looks very unhappy. What can we do?” As your child gets older, use when/then. “When you can play kindly with Noah and not knock down his tower, then you can use the blocks again.”
Don’t be afraid of your children’s reactions.
There was a time when I would feel embarrassed when my son acted out in public if he didn’t get his way. Then a good friend gave me the best advice: I shouldn’t be afraid of my child’s reactions when I tell him no. You don’t have to be afraid of your child’s reactions, either. “Besides,” my friend reassured me, “most parents have been in the same situation and understand what’s going on when they witness your child having a meltdown.” After receiving this helpful tip, I began to push aside the temptation to worry about what others thought and instead chose to focus on helping my child work through his strong emotions so he could learn to deal with not getting his way.
Look beyond having too much “stuff.”
If your children act spoiled, you might think it’s because they have too many toys or you’re financially more well-off than most people. Well, research shows that “material indulgence” is less to blame than the “behavioral indulgence” we talked about earlier. The antidote to spoiled behavior is to teach your children gratitude for what they have instead of allowing them to think they’re entitled to it. My best friend from college grew up in a wealthy family, yet she never acted spoiled. Why not? “My parents made sure we knew that we were not better than anyone else because we lived in a nice house and had more money than the people around us,” she said. “If my mom and dad heard us bragging or putting down other people, we were in trouble.” She and her siblings also had chores and were taught that all people have value that isn’t determined by the material things they possess.
When our children are little, we can also help them understand that things aren’t the path to happiness by talking about needs versus wants.
It’s not too late to put some new skills into practice if you want to “unspoil” your kids. There is no magical formula for how to do it, but we can make strides in the right direction.
How do you fight against entitlement in your kids?
