“I’ve never seen her so angry. It was like she was possessed,” my friend Kristi said as she described her 14-year-old daughter Peyton’s reaction when she took her phone away. “She screamed at me from her bedroom and slammed her door so hard the house shook.” Kristi’s eyes filled with tears. I could tell she was hurt and scared that she was losing her girl to her phone.
A 2023 survey by Common Sense Media found that kids 13 and older check their phones over 100 times per day, and over two-thirds of 11- to 17-year-olds said they “sometimes” or “often” find it difficult to stop using technology. So not only are kids addicted to phones, they confess to feeling helpless. Playing cop and taking the phone away is an option, but why not put on your coach hat and try to get your kids to think critically about the role of phones in their lives? Ask some of these 13 questions to help your child reflect on her phone use, and open a dialogue between the two of you.
Talking About the Phone’s Pull
1. What is your favorite app? Do you feel stressed or excited by it? Or both?
This question reveals the emotional connection your teen has with his favorite app. Is it a source of relaxation or entertainment, or does it create anxiety around keeping up with trends or keeping your Snapchat streak going?
2. Does it feel like “work” to stay up to date on everything?
This taps into the concept of FOMO. Does your teen feel pressured to constantly check her phone for updates, creating a sense of obligation rather than enjoyment?
3. What does it feel like when your phone is commanding your attention vs. just being in the background of your mind?
Here, you’re encouraging your teen to be mindful of how her phone impacts her focus. Does she get easily distracted by notifications?
4. What does it feel like when you don’t have your phone or the room is too quiet?
This question addresses the fear of disconnection. Does your teen feel anxious without his phone?
5. Have you ever noticed what you’re thinking about if there’s no background noise on?
This is a nudge toward self-awareness. Without distractions, what occupies your teen’s mind?
6. Do you ever get a sense that you’ve been on your phone too long? What are the signs for you?
Here, you’re encouraging your teen to identify personal red flags for excessive phone use. Does he lose track of time, neglect responsibilities, or experience physical discomfort?
Helping Kids Addicted to Phones Understand App Design and Algorithms
7. Which apps take up most of your time? Why?
This opens a discussion about specific apps and their appeal. Are there time-consuming features, compelling visuals, or specific types of content that draw your teen in?
8. Are there design features that make your favorite app hard to put down?
Many apps are designed to be addictive. This question helps your teen recognize design elements like infinite scrolling, autoplay, and reward systems that keep them hooked.
9. What do you think social media platforms know about us, in terms of who we are and how we are feeling? How do algorithms predict what we might want to watch or follow?
This dives into understanding how tech giants personalize content and gather data. Your teen can analyze how likes, comments, and search history contribute to targeted advertising and content suggestions.
10. How do you see the platform’s algorithms at work? Have you noticed when it’s working to keep you on the app?
Encourage your teen to become a more conscious user by identifying manipulative tactics like “suggested follows” or clickbait.
Taking Control and Finding Balance
11. What are some ways to be “in the driver’s seat” while using your phone, other than timers that don’t always work?
This opens the discussion for alternative strategies like designated phone-free zones or app restrictions. It also encourages your child to consider times and places phones don’t belong.
12. When do you think other kids are using their phones too much, and why?
Here, you’re prompting your teen to self-reflect by observing her peers. Does she witness signs of phone addiction in others?
13. What do you think about my relationship with my phone? Are there times I use it that you wish I wouldn’t? Any ideas for how we can help each other do better?
This question shows your child you understand the pull of technology, and you’re willing to work to have a better relationship with your phone, especially if it means having a better relationship with him or her.
These questions were part of Common Sense Media’s 2023 report, Constant Companion: A Week in the Life of a Young Person’s Smartphone Use. The thorough report also contains direct quotes from tweens and teens about their phones and insight into how companies use algorithms and incentives to capture kids’ attention. It’s a fascinating read! We recommend reading it before asking these questions because the content in the report will help you respond to your child with insight and compassion.
Are your kids addicted to phones? Which of these questions would get them to reflect on their relationships with their phones?
