It hurts to see your child playing alone at recess or not part of a friend group. While some kids enjoy alone time, feelings of loneliness in childhood are completely different and shouldn’t be ignored. In a Forbes article that cites a study from the Institute of Psychiatry, Psychology, & Neuroscience (IoPPN) at King’s College London, education journalist Nick Morrison warns that “[l]oneliness is linked with a range of adverse mental health outcomes, including depression, anxiety and low self-esteem.” Even if it’s a short bout of loneliness, it can have long-term consequences later on in life, says Dr. Timothy Matthews, the lead author of the study. “Loneliness, however temporary, can be an extremely distressing experience, and we should make every effort to support those who need it so that they can overcome it.”
If your son or daughter is struggling with loneliness in childhood or adolescence, you can help. Here are 7 questions to ask yourself about why your child might be lonely, and what you can do to support him or her.
1. Is there enough time for your child to socialize?
Depending on the school, there could be less time for interaction. For example, some elementary schools have eliminated recess and electives like art or music, classes that typically allow more time for socializing. Other schools emphasize a rigorous curriculum that doesn’t give kids much downtime. And finally, with laptops and phones in schools, kids and teens often choose to check out online instead of talking when they have time to do so in the halls, during lunch, or at the end of classes.
Action Plan: Look for after-school activities that encourage socialization. If your daughter, for example, is struggling with childhood loneliness, get her involved in activities where kids have more opportunities to talk. That could be a theater program, scouts, a youth group, or a recreational soccer team rather than individualized classes like piano or vocal lessons.
2. Does your child have friends but still feel lonely?
He might feel like he isn’t close enough to anyone in his friend group. This is common with both girls and boys who may look like they have a big friend group but don’t have the emotional support of a close friendship to make them feel like someone really knows them.
Action Plan: A child or teen who has a group but still feels lonely would benefit from more one-on-one activities. Encourage him to invite a friend over. Or, plan a family outing to play laser tag, or go to the movies, and have your child invite someone he’d like to get to know better. Without other kids around, yours will have more time to connect at a deeper level with his friend.
3. Does your child struggle with self-esteem?
A child with a low level of confidence may be less likely to reach out to others to form friendships. But kids who are lonely also tend to experience a drop in self-esteem because they sometimes think no one wants to spend time with them. It can become a vicious cycle.
Action Plan: Help your child to recognize her strengths and accomplishments. Feeling more positive about herself can lead to greater self-esteem. Also, in a study published in Children and Youth Services Review, researchers said, “Given that it can be hard for school staff to recognize loneliness, youth groups can provide crucial individual and social support.” Community or church youth groups “provide children with space and time to interact without adult involvement, which can encourage friendship formation.” The study says youth groups have shown a positive impact on kids’ “social behavior and self-esteem.”
4. Does your child have different interests?
Sometimes a child’s interests don’t match up with their peers’. For example, if he’s not into sports, a boy may feel isolated. Or, if your child isn’t on social media, she may have other interests by default.
Action Plan: Look for activities outside of school that pique your child’s interest so she can connect with others from different schools. Also, some kids find like-minded friends in online organizations. “One positive thing to come out of the pandemic is there are more and more virtual groups for kids to come online and meet with other kids that have similar interests to them,” says Michelle Kaplan, LCSW. A final thought: Some libraries and schools are open to parent-led clubs if you have the time to lead one.
5. Does your child act younger than others his or her age?
Kids who are slower to mature “might not have developed the same social skills as their peers yet, or they might just have different interests,” says Child Mind Institute writer Rachel Ehmke. Kids mature at different rates, including the tween and teen years. Your child may feel left out because she’s still interested in things that are “younger,” while her peers have moved on. “As kids get older,” says Ehmke, “they tend to catch up, but in the meantime they may be feeling confused and lonely.”
Action Plan: Have patience with your child. We don’t want to pressure our kids to conform because that could be stressful in itself. But you can provide “opportunities for age-appropriate activities and social interactions that encourage maturity,” according to the Child Mind Institute. In the meantime, accept and love her for who she is, so her loneliness doesn’t hurt her confidence or cause self-doubt. And keep in mind that kids go through seasons of struggle. What’s happening today probably won’t last forever.
6. Is your child struggling with anxiety or depression?
Kids who are anxious may have trouble joining other kids in activities on the playground or in class. They may worry about being judged and feel overwhelmed in social situations. A child who is depressed may naturally keep to herself because she doesn’t think others want to spend time with her. Childhood loneliness may be what’s visible to you, but if anxiety or depression is the root cause, it’d be helpful to talk with your pediatrician to address those mental health issues first.
Action Plan: You may have to do more to encourage your child to interact with others. “Kids who are feeling anxious or depressed are less inclined to put themselves out there,” says Ehmke. If your child resists or argues that she’d rather stay home, you may have to do more to get her out the door. Validate how she feels by saying you understand it might be difficult to go. Then praise her after it’s done for being brave and for doing something challenging.
7. Have big life events disrupted your child’s daily schedule?
A new school or class schedule could put your kid in an environment where it feels like everyone knows each other but him. A family move, a divorce, a schedule change, or the addition or removal of electives or support classes could also be uncomfortable for your child, and he may feel more withdrawn, tentative, or shyer than usual.
Action Plan: Give it time. Support your child through the transition to the new normal. And make sure he knows that despite the changes in his life, your love for him is one thing that hasn’t changed. Connect with him each day, even if it’s just for a few minutes. Draw him into family conversations and outings if you see him pulling back. And be patient as you encourage him through this adjustment period.
You are your child’s biggest fan! Remind her how much you love and care for her no matter what. Having you by her side during this difficult time can make all the difference in her day! And remember, most difficult periods in life don’t last forever—but they can make a person stronger for a lifetime.
Has your son or daughter struggled with loneliness in childhood or adolescence? How have you shown support?
