Plenty of boys care about their looks. It’s not just girls on social media getting advice, interacting with influencers, and comparing themselves to others. Boys have some of the same insecurities that drive them toward self-improvement and validation from strangers. But this startling study blew my mind. It reports that 75% of adolescent boys are unhappy with their bodies. About 50% want to be thinner and 50% want to be bigger. There’s more: A trend called looksmaxxing is enticing boys and young men who want more chiseled features and a ripped physique.
Looksmaxxing has become recently popular on social media, but has been around for at least a decade. If you’re wondering about your son’s interest in self-care, it may be totally normal. But here’s what you need to know about looksmaxxing and how it has impacted some boys.
What is looksmaxxing?
Looksmaxxing is when a boy tries to become the most attractive he can by paying special attention to things like his physique, eyes, and jawline. His goal is to improve his appearance, using elaborate self-care routines and practices. Some boys even post selfies in looksmaxxing forums, seeking feedback from strangers.
As boys get older, they receive this sometimes-unspoken message that being fit, athletic, and handsome is what matters most. And if they don’t take care of themselves, they can end up on the outside of social circles, looking in. This is how looksmaxxing becomes appealing to some boys.
Who is most susceptible to looksmaxxing?
Anyone who goes online and stumbles across hyper-masculinity influencers can be exposed to looksmaxxing philosophy. But boys with low self-esteem and a negative body image are more susceptible to these influencers’ messaging. If a boy already lacks confidence because he’s non-athletic, smaller-than-average, or lonely, he might go online looking for answers and community.
Is looksmaxxing all that bad?
When my friend’s son asked for new hair products for his birthday, she didn’t blink an eye. But when he asked her twice in about a month if she thought he looked fat, she had to pause. Not every boy who cares about his hair or weight is into looksmaxxing and it turned out my friend’s son had simply gained a little adolescent self-awareness.
It’s normal for a boy to start caring more about his appearance when he hits puberty, usually between ages 9 and 14. Styling his hair, taking regular showers, and watching what he eats are all good habits. It’s when caring about his appearance takes a more obsessive turn that you might need to be concerned. He could develop an eating disorder if he’s obsessively counting calories. Or if he’s obsessed with skincare and always in front of the mirror, he could develop a problem with vanity. We want our boys to be focused on the right things in life. And when things take an obsessive turn, that’s when we need to step in.
What are some red flags that my son is taking self-care a little too far?
If your son’s main hobby is improving his appearance, looksmaxxing has probably gone too far. This can include hours at the gym, restrictive dieting, noticeable weight loss, or requesting major changes to his face. Has he asked to change his chin, nose, or eyes? Another red flag is following male social media influencers who focus on appearance and masculinity. Spending hours online silently stalking or actively engaging with looksmaxxing forums or looksmaxxing influencers is a sign that self-care has become obsessive and are solid red flags.
Looksmaxxing may also cause mental health issues like anxiety and depression. If a boy feels like it’s hard to measure up or if he receives negative feedback about his appearance, he may be struggling on the inside. These signs shouldn’t be ignored.
Are there different degrees of looksmaxxing?
I don’t know about you, but my son needs reminding about basic things every now and then. But with softmaxxing, which is a milder version of looksmaxxing, boys are on top of it. They shower, moisturize, style their hair, smell good, and floss. They exercise, hydrate, prioritize sleep, and eat a high-protein diet. Some boys may also whiten their teeth, eliminate sugar and junk food, chew fitness gum (to strengthen their jaws), and partake in a trend called mewing, which (falsely) promises to reshape the jawline.
Though many of these are good self-care habits, they’re done with one goal in mind: to look more handsome. And it’s the attitude that comes with it that might be unhealthy. Does your son want attention? Does he have low self-esteem? Is he a perfectionist and needs to assert control in some aspect of his life?
Hardmaxxing is more intense and could be dangerous. Hardmaxxers take supplements, log calories, spend hours each day at the gym, and might lose significant weight and need medical attention. A young hardmaxxer might ask for growth hormones, plastic surgery or Botox. Those who take hardmaxxing further might even break their own jaws, believing they’ll grow back stronger and more angular.
What can you do to help your son?
Talk about your concerns: I’ve noticed you spending a lot of time in front of the mirror (or at the gym). You seem really into health foods and bulking up. What got you interested in self-care? Why is it something you enjoy? Together, review his online history. Is he visiting sites that offer helpful, basic hygiene tips? Or are the sites harmful (encouraging strict diets, steroid use, or other extreme content)?
Your son may feel uncomfortable talking to you about looksmaxxing, so take it slowly. (You don’t have to unload all your concerns at once.) Listen and validate how he feels: I get it. I can imagine that’s tough. Sometimes people are cruel. Find ways to highlight his strengths in a genuine way and encourage more offline activities with others. Connecting with your boy and supporting him as you both focus on healthy ways for him to grow are what will help him through this stage.
Has looksmaxxing been on your radar? Or is it something new to you?
