One evening, my husband made the mistake of asking what else I needed from him before he could sit on the couch and veg. Bless his heart. The pressure had been building, and I rattled off a litany of things that had to happen before I felt free to relax. When I got to “figure out how to get the kids to floss more,” he knew this wasn’t the typical to-do list. It was the invisible load of motherhood, and it was weighing on me.
No matter how involved our husbands are, moms almost always carry a greater burden, and the burden is often unseen. It’s the constant awareness of what our kids need, physically and emotionally, and I think it starts when we get a positive pregnancy test. I don’t think it will ever go away, but it can get lighter. Here’s how the invisible load of motherhood weighs on most moms and how to ease the burden.
What does the invisible load of motherhood feel like?
The invisible load of motherhood weighs on us physically, mentally, and emotionally.
1. Physically
- Tired arms from holding kids who you should put down, while knowing your children are only little for so long.
- Exhaustion from hustling around the kitchen, packing lunches (and remembering what everyone likes and dislikes), while prepping dinner, settling a fight over a hair tie, and quizzing on spelling words.
2. Mentally
- A running inventory of all the household supplies and needs, from toilet paper to tortilla chips.
- To-do lists that never end.
3. Emotionally
- An ache in your heart knowing your daughter is sitting alone at lunch.
- Guilt related to your son’s offhand comment that he doesn’t have the trendy shoes, and you feel bad you can’t afford to buy your kids whatever they want.
- Self-reproach because you know giving your kids everything would spoil them.
- Fear that your kids actually are spoiled.
- Insecurity because you don’t know how to help them learn the value of hard work.
Where are the dads?
Is it my husband’s fault I carry the invisible load of motherhood? Is it your husband’s fault you carry yours? I don’t think so. My husband is very involved at home, but no matter how much he offers to carry, I’ll always carry more. It’s the nature of motherhood. It’s a burden I’m privileged to carry, but still, I get tired.
It can’t be removed completely, nor do we want it to, but it can be managed.
How to Manage the Motherload
1. Remember the phase they’re in.
Don’t give up on asking for respect from your teen, but release some of the emotional burden by remembering he’s at a difficult age and it won’t last forever.
2. Automate what you can.
Set the kids’ next dentist appointments before you leave the current one, put things you buy regularly on auto-ship, and use chore charts like this one to help your kids manage their own responsibilities.
3. Release some control to your husband.
Put him in charge of gifts for birthday parties. If the invitation is on the fridge, it’s his job to research what the child wants and make the purchase.
4. Announce what you do.
You don’t have to make your kids feel guilty, but you can kindly (and calmly) say things like, “I can’t watch this show with you until the laundry is done.” They might even jump in to help.
5. Don’t procrastinate.
Some mental burdens are there because we put off a task. Don’t wait to send the email about the parent-teacher conference. When it pops into your mind, stop what you’re doing and get it done.
6. Accept good enough.
Once you find a children’s vitamin you like, stop researching. You could probably find something better, but what you’ve picked is good enough, so move on.
7. Get emotional support.
Talk it out with friends. A group of moms sharing their individual loads somehow lightens everyone’s.
8. Pray.
I have pinned up in my kitchen: “Cast your burdens on the Lord because He cares for you.” Don’t underestimate the power of asking God to help you with the things you can’t carry. He wants to carry them for you.
How do you feel the invisible load of motherhood?
