“Your body will just know what to do” became the standard reply whenever I expressed worries about giving birth to my first child. Those words from other moms and my doctor gave me a sort of borrowed confidence—well, until my water broke. And my body, in fact, didn’t “just know.” After laboring for 14 hours with little progression, my baby arrived via emergency C-section. My instincts had failed to show up, and I felt like I had somehow failed, too.
If we’re supposed to “just know,” why do moms sometimes feel unsure, overwhelmed, and disconnected? What about moms who don’t carry their children biologically? That pressure to “just know” doesn’t stop when your child hits a specific age, either. So what are maternal instincts, and what do we do if they don’t look (or feel) like we expect?
What is maternal instinct?
If you believe in a maternal instinct, you believe moms are biologically hardwired to know how to care for a child. This idea suggests that maternal love, nurturing, and caregiving come naturally, easily, and instantly to all mothers.
It’s the reason people say things like “you’ll just know what to do” or “trust your gut.” But, the reality many moms experience is far more complicated and nuanced.
Is maternal instinct real?
Science confirms there are hormonal shifts after birth, including surges in oxytocin that can increase feelings of bonding. But those biological changes don’t always result in an instant emotional connection or even apply to foster or adoptive moms. And they certainly don’t guarantee that every mom will feel confident or competent immediately. Research on maternal bonding shows that while our hormones may prime us for connection, the actual relationship develops through countless small, daily interactions.
So much of parenting is learned behavior for moms (and dads). We become better moms by watching, practicing, making mistakes, and trying again. Research backs this up. One study found that mothers who took parenting classes not only improved their parenting skills but also felt more confident in their abilities. This implies that the maternal instinct we often think should come automatically can be taught. Even mommy-and-me classes or events at your local library often sneak in parenting wisdom while you’re singing songs and shaking a maraca.
What do maternal instincts really look like?
Maternal instincts might not look like you expect. You know when your toddler says “Ba” and you just know she wants blueberries? And then later she says “Ba,” but this time you reach for her favorite book? Then, at naptime, her “Ba” means binky. Or what about when you hear her cry and can quickly discern if she’s hurt, frustrated, or hungry? But before becoming a mom, every kid’s cry sounded the same.
For some moms, instincts may appear as suddenly as the flip of a light switch. And for others, those “just know” moments occur more like a dimmer switch, slowly illuminating what your child needs and how to respond. But, Mom, make no mistake, you’re becoming (and in many ways already are) the expert on your child. The way you anticipate your child’s needs, notice subtle shifts in behavior, and interpret what others miss? That’s maternal instinct, too.
What if you don’t feel a connection with your child?
When we expect motherhood to feel effortless and instinctive, moms who don’t experience that immediate “click” often feel broken, inadequate, or like we’re failing at something that should come just because we’re women. (Psst. You’re not any of those things.)
The truth is that while some moms bond with their kids right away, others don’t. Some feel less connected during challenging phases, like the toddler years or adolescence, or with one child but not another. But other moms seem to be naturals at certain phases, knowing just what to say and do.
We all bring something lovely and life-giving to our version of motherhood. If you don’t feel a rush of love right away (or during certain developmental seasons), remember that connection grows through care, time, and a series of daily, mundane interactions that add up over time.
Can you still be a good mom without an instant maternal “instinct”?
Absolutely! Your love doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s. Your confidence doesn’t have to come instantly. What matters is your heart for doing right by your child. Good moms come in all forms: adoptive moms, foster moms, moms who struggled with bonding, moms who learned through trial and error, moms of kids with special needs. The qualities that make great moms—showing up, trying, loving our kids the best way we know how—aren’t instinct at all. They’re choices we make as mothers daily.
What do you do if it doesn’t feel “instinctual?”
So much of motherhood is learned, and where you are right now with your child, well, you’ve never been there before. It’s new for both of you. For adoptive, foster, or step-moms, the idea of an “instinct” can feel especially unfair. Bonding and knowing what to do as a mom in those situations often looks different, and that’s OK (and beautiful), too.
Try this: Talk about it with your husband, another mom, a counselor, or pastor. Sharing your honest feelings and struggles with a trusted friend or professional can lift the weight. Shame thrives in silence, and you’ll be surprised how many moms experience the same. And keep being there for your child and trying as best as you can. You don’t have to feel like a good mom to be one.
What do you think? Are maternal instincts real?
