I blinked in the darkness, listening to my husband breathe. He’d fallen asleep ages ago and, tired as I was, I couldn’t succumb to the sleep I desperately needed. I kept picturing horrible scenarios in my head: my daughter falling off our condo’s balcony, her not waking up in the morning, slipping out of my grip and running in front of a truck, or tumbling off a bridge and being carried away by the current. Rare and somewhat outrageous fears, I know. But my head spun thinking about these things and my heart broke every time my mind went there.
Can you relate? New moms have these fears, but I still had them as my kids got older and went to school. I worried about their safety when they were away from me, and I lay awake wondering if I’d taught them well enough how to handle any dangers that might lurk on the playground or in the school’s restroom. I drove myself crazy! After much reflection, I realized I’m not alone in these fears, but there were things I could do to help myself fare better. I’m working on it and doing better. Here are 5 ways you too can keep the mom fear at bay.
1. Ask yourself: What’s the worst thing that could happen—and how likely is it to happen?
Sometimes, by addressing the worst-case scenario—such as your child running into oncoming traffic—you’re able to recognize the unlikelihood of this sort of thing even happening. You always hold her hand near roads, and she’s learned not to chase balls into the street. You can also shift your focus to concrete information—like the data cited in this iMOM article that can make specific fears less intense. There are also studies that show cognitive reappraisal can help us reframe our fears. Here are the basics.
2. Talk about it.
Keeping the mom fear inside sometimes makes it grow. When I can’t take it anymore, I talk to my mom or my husband. Usually, when I voice my mom fears, they sound a little wacky, and it makes them less powerful. Also, my mom and husband are great at dispelling my fears and reassuring me of my capabilities. Is there someone you trust with your fears to help you get them under control? If these fears get so bad they impede normal functioning during the day, it might be time to talk to a professional. They can offer strategies for cognitive restructuring to help you when the fearful thoughts won’t stop.
3. Turn it positive.
Dwelling on worst-case scenarios or worrying about what will happen keeps your brain spinning. If you’re trying to fall asleep, count all the good things that happened that day. List all the blessings you have in your life. If the mom fears come during the day, try flipping the switch by writing things down in a gratitude journal. Seeing the list in writing can help balance the weight of your fears. Researchers say that if we practice shifting our attention to something positive, over time the automatic thoughts won’t be as frequent.
Want to hear a crazy example of turning fear into a positive? Listen to the iMOM Podcast episode, “The Sky is Falling: How to Avoid Parenting Out of Fear.” Susan and Megan tell the story of their near-death experience on a small airplane.
4. Prepare them well.
As babies turn into toddlers, and toddlers into sturdy school-age kids, review safety procedures frequently—everything from not eating dishwasher detergent tabs to not getting in a stranger’s car. Preparing them well will ease our minds of fears we may still cling to as the kids grow. Teaching them not to touch a wasp and reminding them not to cross the yellow line on the subway platform gives kids the tools to stay safe as they grow up and gain more autonomy. If the preparation helps moms feel less anxious, that’s a good thing—because research suggests that when parental anxiety translates into an overprotective parenting style, the result is a more anxious child, not necessarily a safer one.
5. Give up the worry to God.
In Mitch Albom’s book, The Stranger in the Lifeboat, survivors of a sunken ship are joined on their lifeboat by a man who claims to be God. One of the passengers begs him to do something to stop their worry. The stranger says, “Worry is something you create.” The passenger responds, “Why would we create worry?” The stranger replies that it’s to fill the void where their faith should be.
Sometimes I can’t sleep at night, so caught up in worry about one child or the other. In those moments, I’m trying to remember to give up my worries to God. Faith needs to fill the hole that worry has created. So far, it has helped me find rest.
How do you keep your mom fears at bay? What advice do you have for others?
