As we stroll through the kitchen cleaner aisle, throwing in boring supplies one after the next, my child provides good company. But then she says those dreaded words: “Can we go look at the toys?” Once we get there, it’s like a black hole. Before I know it, my stomach’s growling, and I’m fielding questions about this toy and that toy. But the one question on repeat, making me crabbier by the second, is this one: “Mom, please? Can’t I have it?”
How do I get my child to stop begging? The persistent pleas have flipped this shopping experience from pleasantly neutral to uncomfortably annoying. But if you’re like me, you have a child who begs at home for all sorts of things too. If you can relate, let’s tackle these 5 steps to stop a child’s endless begging.
1. Be gentle but firm. No means no.
I admit it: I’ve said no before but haven’t really meant it. What I’ve really thought is Well, she’s been good. It’s only five bucks. Then, I change my mind! Has this happened to you too? The bad news is, if you’ve ever said no, then changed your mind, your child remembers it. And she knows a certain amount of begging, hugging, puppy-dog eyes, and professions of love will probably do the trick. So, she keeps at it.
Tell me what to do: If your answer is no, stick to it. And the best way to stay firm is to WALK AWAY FROM THE TOY (or the begging child if you’re at home). The longer you linger, the cuter that pointless toy (or darling child) will look to you. And by lingering, you’re telling your child it’s still up for discussion.
2. Empathize and explain why.
Your child won’t be happy with you when you tell him no. That’s OK. Give him time to be sad, but then empathize with how he feels. Unlike us, kids rarely get to make decisions involving purchases unless they’ve received a gift card or money. So, they know they have to rely on their powers of persuasion to convince you to buy them something. That’s what being a kid is about—but it doesn’t mean you can’t understand where they’re coming from.
Tell me what to do: Look at your child, rub his back, and tell him you get it. We can’t always buy a new toy because they’re expensive. Or I know you want to keep playing with your friend. He’s a lot of fun! But it’s time to go home.
3. Be consistent and set limits.
Saying no can be hard, but caving every so often only encourages the behavior you don’t want. Some days might feel harder to resist her pleas than others, but it’s important to “[m]ake sure that you approach the behavior the same way each time, regardless of what kind of mood you’re in,” says licensed clinical social worker Amy Morin at Very Well Family. Eventually, if you’re consistent, your child will learn, and her behavior will improve.
Tell me what to do: Let her know what to expect before you walk into a store. Or if the begging starts at home, be clear with consequences if the behavior continues. “Don’t offer repeated warnings or insist that you’re serious,” says Morin. Instead, follow through with a consequence if she doesn’t comply.
4. Keep your cool and be the example.
My daughter wanted to stay up to play games on the computer. Even after I said no, she kept begging. I told her screen time wasn’t a good idea before bed. “Look. I’m putting my phone away too,” I said.
Tell me what to do: Speak your thoughts out loud if you want to know how to get your child to stop begging. If you’re at the store, say, “I love this bracelet. But I don’t need it, so I’m not going to get it.” By demonstrating your own self-control, you’re showing your child how to work through the discomfort of not getting what she wants in that moment.
5. Tell him the conversation is over.
He really wanted to play Minecraft. He kept begging, and I’d already answered him. I could feel my temperature starting to rise. Whether your child’s begging for video game time, for a friend to sleep over, or for dessert that night, once you say no, end the conversation—”I’m done discussing this.”—and then leave the room.
Tell me what to do: Become a broken record. If he does continue to beg, give one warning: “If you continue to pester me about this, there will be a consequence.” Then stick to it.
All moms ask themselves at some point: “How do I get my child to stop begging?” What strategies have worked in your family?
