Raising boys is more challenging today because of the internet. With access to various platforms and discussion boards, the odds of running across ideologies and viewpoints that differ from our own increase with every hour our kids spend online. I want my son to respect girls and women, to be able to share his feelings freely, and to know that real men have strength of character. And though we teach these values at home, something called the manosphere may get in the way.
If your boy’s attitude has taken a major shift in recent weeks, and doesn’t fluctuate with the day, it may be more than hormones influencing your son. Has he become more aggressive? Does he make disparaging or stereotypical comments about women? Don’t brush it off. If your boy’s spending hours online, toxic views from the manosphere may have shaped the algorithms on his device. Here are 5 things you can do to help him leave the manosphere behind.
But first…
What is the manosphere?
The manosphere consists of online communities where men espouse extreme and narrow ideas of manhood. “Social media influencers within the ‘manosphere’ amplify cultural narratives that women are fundamentally inferior to men,” according to research published by The Association for Child and Adolescent Mental Health. Some male influencers see women as a threat to a guy’s sense of manhood and blame them for their struggles. Because of that, they may negatively influence boys and young men who stumble across their sites. Here’s how you can protect your son.
1. Start with curiosity.
It can be a tightrope walk: You want to find out more, but you don’t want to push him away. Time your conversation when your boy’s rested and not in the middle of something. Ask open-ended questions to encourage reflection: What influencers do your classmates follow? What do you like to do online? Do you like the same influencers your peers like? How have you been sleeping at night? Who have you been hanging out with lately? Listen to what he says, and try a thoughtful nod when he finishes. (I find it easier not to jump in and offer my opinion if I’m pausing to nod.) The more you listen and wait, the more likely he’ll fill in the gaps with information.
2. Encourage him to talk about his feelings.
In the manosphere, the message is that boys need to look tough. This means hiding those difficult feelings like sadness or vulnerability. But a tough exterior can eventually crack, exploding with anger and aggression. Before your son gets there (or even if he already has), coax him into sharing his emotions. It’s a healthy way to deal with the ups and downs of life. And feelings aren’t signs of weakness, but strength. Ask him: What’s been bothering you lately? How do you feel about your schoolwork? Your friends? You looked sad when you came home today. What was bugging you?
3. Challenge subtle stereotypes.
“Mom, it’s your job to cook.” “Only wimps cry.” “Girls just use guys to get what they want.” You might wonder where your boy picked up these ideas. Though there are dedicated manosphere sites online, subtle misogynistic messaging from the manosphere can also show up on gaming platforms, Discord channels, and YouTube videos. Often, statements like these are said in anger or to test boundaries, and not said out of spite. Stay calm if your son tries one at home and say: You sound pretty convinced. What makes you feel that way? And: That might be true for some people, but generalizing about all women isn’t right. How would you feel if someone said all boys are meatheads?
4. Expose him to healthy male role models.
If he’s online for hours and the voices he hears are ones from the manosphere, that toxicity will seep into his thoughts and words. It’s important to get him around men who can demonstrate positive, healthy attitudes toward women. With my son, I pray for wisdom and discernment to find friends and role models who will demonstrate the values our family teaches at home. And I’ve encouraged my husband to take the lead, getting our son involved in more activities with our church. It may take effort, but getting your boy into a club, youth group, or part-time job could be a game-changer. It’ll get him offline and in the real world, interacting with others. Books and TV shows with either real or fictional male role models could also help guide him.
5. Stay connected even when you disagree.
If you’re shocked or hurt by something your son has said, don’t shut down the conversation. You want to be a positive influence in his life, so it’s important not to close the door on opportunities to connect. Say, “I love you too much to let this slide.” Explain why his words bothered you and ask him if he believes what he said is true. If you can get him to share his feelings, it might explain his attitude or anger. Avoid shaming or judging him and instead, encourage him to think critically. Ask, “What makes you feel this way?” Staying measured in your response will give you the opportunity to influence him in a positive, impactful way.
What’s something someone has said that made you think that person has been influenced by the manosphere?
