If you ask my husband about the discipline techniques he used for my stepson, he’ll probably ask you to pick one of the 50. He tried everything, including leaving him with nothing in his room but a mattress, a pencil, and a sheet of paper.
Some popular discipline techniques (you’ve probably tried most of them) don’t work for a lot of parents, and they might actually make a child’s behavior worse. Learning why they don’t work with some kids is like an ah-ha moment that will help you feel less frustrated and alone. Here are 5 you need to know about and the reason they are failing you.
1. Time-Out
For some parents, a time-out works to bring a heightened situation down to a manageable level. If it’s not working for you, it could be that separation is the opposite of what your child needs. When you send your child to a time-out, his or her brain will experience a surge of stress-related hormones (because separation from parents is biologically not what a child wants), which prompts more acting out. Then, Mom or Dad responds with more separation. We circle around and around.
Try this instead: Stay close and offer a “time-in.” Sit with your child and help him process his big emotions. You might say, “I can see you’re feeling angry. Let’s take some deep breaths together until you feel better.” Rather than triggering more stress, this connection-based approach helps regulate your child’s nervous system.
2. Yelling and Nagging
Every mom has done it. I’m sure I nagged this morning, and there are some days I yell more than I speak at a normal volume. “How many times do I have to tell you to put your shoes away?” Our constant picking just tells our kids that we will be there to remind them again and again. It doesn’t build responsibility; it just causes them to tune us out and damages our relationship.
Try this instead: Lower your voice and get on your child’s level (literally). Make eye contact, use her name, and give one clear instruction: “Sarah, your clothes need to be put away now. Thank you.” Then wait. That “thank you” assumes positive intent and often gets better results than demanding compliance.
3. Tightening the Reins
A lot of parents think getting more strict is the answer when the rules they have in place aren’t producing results. But piling on more rules and threats keeps children in a state of anxiety, anticipating the next mess-up and subsequent punishment. Some kids who are constantly yelled at for breaking a rule walk through life tense and scared. Yes, rules are necessary, but when more rules lead to more yelling, we need to go back to the drawing board.
Try this instead: Simplify things to three to five core rules that matter most to your family. Post them somewhere visible and explain the “why” behind each one. When a rule is broken, calmly redirect by saying something like: “Remember, in our family, we use kind words even when we feel upset.” Focus on teaching the value behind the rule, rather than just demanding obedience.
4. Throwing Away Toys
Restricting games or toys definitely can work, and every parent has the right to take a cell phone away or restrict video game privileges. But when this move doesn’t work, parents often up the ante by throwing out or giving away a toy or piece of tech. This is not only traumatizing for a child, but it’s also a violation of trust. If someone who knows you well threatens to harm something important to you, it might scare you into compliance—but at what cost?
Try this instead: Create a “toy vacation” system. When toys or games are misused, they get put up for 24-48 hours. This teaches consequences while preserving trust and avoiding power struggles.
If you’re pulling your hair out after trying all sorts of discipline techniques and consequences, listen to this episode of the iMOM Podcast, “The Discipline Du Jour.” Subscribe to the podcast to get a new episode (and great parenting insight and inspiration) every Monday.
5. Humiliation
Screaming at a kid in public or sending a kid to bed without dinner erodes his or her self-worth, and kids who think nothing of themselves won’t care about pleasing Mom and Dad. No matter what a child has done, we still can show him or her we care about his or her physical and emotional well-being.
Try this instead: In public, pull your child aside privately and speak quietly: “I can see you’re having a hard time right now. What do you need from me to help you make a better choice? Do you need to sit quietly outside with me to get yourself together?” Whether at home or out, focus on addressing the behavior while affirming your child: “I love you, and I know you can make better choices. Let’s figure this out together.”
The Key to Making Any Discipline Actually Work
Parenting is so hard, especially in the heat of the moment. But we have to keep our eyes on the prize, which is relationship. Some of the discipline techniques above work well if you do them without sacrificing love. But if you’re removing love and relationship, you’re creating a discipline vortex, which is what Vanessa Lapointe calls it in her book Discipline Without Damage. A discipline vortex is a cycle of behavior in which neither the child nor the parent is getting what he or she wants or needs.
The level of influence we have over our kids (and their desire to please us and follow directions) is determined by the strength of our connection with them. So aim for connection, even in the midst of discipline.
What form of discipline has worked or not worked? Does it strengthen or weaken your relationship with your child?
