“Did you write it down?” I asked my husband while attempting to keep my tone light. We track our expenses weekly, but he sometimes forgets receipts. We started following a budget when we noticed money issues triggered the majority of our arguments. However, a spreadsheet only solves some of our issues. Since he’s more loosey-goosey and I’m a by-the-book kind of woman, we still need to recalibrate our approach and conversations about money occasionally to avoid resentment in marriage building up.
According to research, resentment in marriage can be a leading cause of divorce, especially when women, in particular, feel it toward their husbands. So, it’s healthy to address these feelings of bitterness, anger, or disappointment proactively. If you’re asking yourself how to overcome resentment in marriage, then these 5 ways can give you the answer.
1. Spend time reflecting on why you feel resentment.
The first step in overcoming resentment is to look inward. Why do you feel that way? Many common root causes of anger may include unmet expectations, inequitable division of responsibilities, lack of appreciation, a shift in roles after a baby, unresolved conflicts, betrayal, or broken trust. Think through how you would answer these questions. You may find journaling your answers or going for a walk while you think through them can help:
- Are there specific behaviors or situations that trigger resentment?
- Do you feel like your needs are consistently overlooked or dismissed? If so, which ones?
- Do you feel overwhelmed by certain responsibilities? Which ones? How are you letting your husband know?
2. Talk it over with your husband.
Pick a time when you both feel calm and free from distractions. Instead of blaming or accusing, focus on how you feel after certain actions or in specific situations. For example, don’t say: “You never help around the house!” Say this: “I feel overwhelmed when I handle all the household chores without help.” “I” statements can encourage open communication instead of defensiveness.
Be sure to listen to his side as well. Your husband may have his own unspoken concerns or built-up resentment that affects your marriage, too. Ask questions to understand his viewpoint, such as “How do you feel about the balance of responsibilities at home?” or “What can I do to support you as a dad better?” This approach encourages mutual respect and reminds you that you’re on the same team.
3. Set and enforce healthy boundaries.
Your boundaries define the edges of where you feel at ease (and safe) in a relationship. But they don’t stay stagnant. Your boundaries can shift as you mature and walk through “for better or for worse” moments. Resentment in marriage often stems from feeling unseen or unheard, so talking honestly about boundaries can help you both feel loved and valued. For example, if you feel overwhelmed by handling the kids’ morning routine, discuss a new system where he takes on specific tasks. And if he says that he needs uninterrupted time to focus on a project, respecting that boundary ensures you’re both looking out for each other’s well-being.
Hold each other accountable for respecting the boundaries you’ve set together. Regularly checking in builds a marriage where boundaries are respected and prevents frustration from morphing into bitterness.
4. Practice forgiveness.
I gotta be honest. You might not like this one because it involves acknowledging your contributions to the state of your marriage. And, while it takes two to tango, it also takes two for resentment in marriage to make its way to the dance floor. So, forgive yourself for any part you may have played. Take responsibility for your actions (or inaction) and move forward. For example, maybe you resent him for being seen as the “fun” parent while you feel stuck in the “law and order” position. But you never told him. Instead, you let resentment silently build. Forgive yourself.
Then, work on forgiving your husband. Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning his actions or forgetting what happened. Instead, it’s about releasing the anger, bitterness, and pain that can hold you (and your marriage) back. By forgiving, you’re choosing to let go of the resentment that can poison your relationship and well-being.
5. Recognize that it’s a process and that it takes time.
Of course, we’d all love to snap our fingers and fix the broken pieces of our relationships. But real life doesn’t work that way. Instead, overcoming resentment in marriage works more like a dimmer switch than a light switch. You may start off in a dark space, but little by little, the light can begin to return to your marriage. My husband, a licensed professional counselor, tells his clients in couples therapy to “commit to doing the work and trust the process.” And maybe that’s the best answer for how to overcome resentment in marriage.
Can you identify any areas in your marriage where resentment has been building?
