Getting a bad grade, adjusting to a new teacher, and figuring out who to sit with at lunch are challenges many kids face. But a child who’s resilient will be able to bounce back from these setbacks and carry on. When a child has resilience, she also has stronger mental health. According to the American Psychological Association, having resilience “can help our children manage stress and feelings of anxiety and uncertainty.” If you want your child to be more resilient, the good news is that it can be taught. Here are 6 strategies you can use to build resilience in your child.
1. Allow your child to experience discomfort.
It can be uncomfortable for a child to talk to strangers or order his own meal at a restaurant. And learning new skills like how to tie his shoes, write neatly, or play a piano scale correctly can be difficult and take time. But our job as parents isn’t to fix the problem or solve it for them, simply because they’re upset. While we might not always agree with Dr. Becky Kennedy or all psychologists, what she says about resilience is helpful: Sit with your child “so he knows he isn’t alone, as opposed to pulling [him] out of this moment, which leaves him alone the next time he finds himself there.” Instead, let him know you understand he’s frustrated, stressed, or angry and that it’s OK.
We want to help our kids tolerate their distress and work through it instead of avoiding or leaving it. Staying in the discomfort and working through it builds childhood resilience.
2. Help her name this wide range of feelings.
If your child has gotten off on the wrong foot with math, she might be feeling discouraged. Or, if she struck out the last time she went to bat in her softball game, she might feel embarrassed about stepping up again. These are normal feelings! But it’ll help our kids build resilience in childhood if they can understand what they’re feeling and that it’s OK to feel that way.
The more we can help our kids recognize and handle their emotions, the more they’ll grow up feeling secure and comfortable with who they are. For example, to recognize her feelings, you could say, You look like you might be feeling nervous about going to your game. You can then offer a way for her to handle that emotion: Why don’t we head outside and practice your swing before we leave? The extra practice with her bat can help her manage those nervous feelings.
3. Empathize, listen, and accept him for who he is.
You and your child might be very different. But are there some interests of his you’ve learned to appreciate and enjoy alongside him? Letting our kids gravitate toward what they like (rather than pushing them toward what we want) can help them build resilience. Kids will be much more willing to work through the struggles that come with something they’re interested in. Why? Because they’re taking on these challenges for themselves and not for us.
4. Provide a consistent presence.
It can be tempting to throw up your hands and leave the room when your child is whining about something he can’t do. But we want our kids to know these big feelings aren’t scary, and we don’t need to run away from them. Rather than distracting him from the problem (“Math is hard, but you’re so good at reading!”), or solving a problem for him, we could say, I remember getting really stumped with division, too. I felt like I was the only one who didn’t get it.
When we connect with our kids during their distress, we empower them. We’re not solving the problem for them, but we’re assuring them we trust and believe in them. This helps them gain confidence in themselves, too.
5. Allow room for mistakes.
Allowing mistakes to happen helps our kids learn to cope with disappointment, frustration, and all the difficult feelings that flood their system. Even though it’s hard to watch them go through these times, remind yourself they’re building important life skills. Developing resilience now will better equip your child for the academic pressure and social stresses in the teen years.
6. Build problem-solving skills.
For childhood resilience to grow, we have to help our kids become their own problem solvers. We may tell ourselves that “he’s so little” or that “he’s young.” Or you may really enjoy helping your child out. It feels loving—and it is! But when kids are learning something for the first time, there’s a better choice. Hold back a little. Ask questions: Let’s see. What can we do about this? How can we solve this problem? Then wait. He may surprise you with his ideas.
By waiting, getting curious about what to do, and staying with him in his distress, you are strengthening your child’s problem-solving skills. You haven’t left him alone to struggle, but you’re with him as he works through his discomfort. This will be key as our kids enter middle school and beyond. We won’t always be available. If they’ve developed the confidence to work through struggles on their own, they’re going to have the mental toughness to tackle anything that comes their way.
Check out this iMOM video to learn more:
How do you think building childhood resilience translates into happiness later in life?
