I looked at my 15-year-old daughter, perched on a stool across from me, reviewing her Spotify playlist. “Hey,” I said. “I just read some interesting stats and wanna know your thoughts.” She glanced up. “Ready? OK, what do you think the biggest stressor is for high school girls?” Without hesitating, she said, “To be liked.” Hmm. I could see that. “What’s the next biggest stressor?” She waved a hand in front of her face: “Looking pretty. And fit.” Ah. Her answers certainly aligned with some recent survey results from Pew Research. But what does this all mean for moms?
With high school pressure comes teen stress. But if we’re aware of the pressure, we have a better chance of helping our girls. Here are the top 3 pressures teen girls face today and how we can support them through all the stress of growing up a teen today.
1. The Pressure to Do Well Academically
My friend’s daughter Elsie is a super-achiever. “She never sleeps,” my friend told me. “She wants to get at least a 1500 on the SAT and snatches any free time she has to study.” While it sounds amazing, I’m not sure how Elsie’s doing on the inside. According to a recent report in Pew Research, academic pressure is the number one stressor for teens: “By far the biggest source of pressure for teens is their grades.” Over 7 in 10 teen girls say they personally face “a great deal or fair amount of pressure to get good grades.” That’s the majority of girls in your teen’s high school.
How to support your daughter: Empathize and validate her. Strengthening your relationship with your daughter is going to help protect her from what Dr. William Stixrud calls the “epidemic of perfectionism.” Tell her you love her no matter what she does, what she says, or how hard she works. Because the pressure to excel can lead to depression and anxiety, it’s important she knows she’s accepted no matter what grades she gets or what college accepts or rejects her.
2. The Pressure to Look Good
I see it at drop-off in the morning: so many teens with long, shiny hair, perfectly applied makeup, and trendy shorts and tanks. I can easily envision the morning rush of applying makeup and wielding a straight iron because I, too, lived with societal pressures as a teen girl (hello, Clairol hair rollers and Maybelline Great Lash). But today, our girls also have social media’s long reach, influencing their opinions on body image and appearance. It can be hard for a girl not to feel like they have to look a certain way. And it’s true: Pew Research says 55% of teen girls feel the pressure to look good. 
How to support your daughter: Listen to your daughter’s concerns about how she looks. But also, “Mothers need to model, to some degree, body comfort, acceptance, and appreciation for what their bodies allow them to do,” says Gail Saltz, MD. Yes, there’s a lot of pressure on girls today to be super-thin and beautiful like the latest social media influencer. But you can help her see what is beautiful about her (whether she looks like the latest influencer or not). At the end of the day, your influence matters more—even if she’d never admit it.
Use our Compliments for Your Daughter printable for ideas of what to say to your girl to build her up. (It’s free to print!)
3. The Pressure to Fit in Socially
This is number three on the list, with 45% of girls saying they feel pressure to fit in and be liked. Having friends is important, especially in the teen years when kids are naturally separating from their parents and relying more on their peers for support and advice. At this age, teens are also figuring out who they are as individuals, so being accepted socially is sort of like validation for who they are. Fitting in can feel like a lot of pressure. And if your teen is rejected or ostracized by peers, this can cut deeply into a teen’s self-worth and confidence.
How to support your daughter: Be ready to listen when she wants to talk. Empathize with her. And encourage her to be herself when she’s around others. Sometimes kids change their appearance, way of talking, or how they act just to fit in. But letting your daughter know you love her for who she is (while ticking off all her wonderful qualities) can give her confidence a boost. If she’s having trouble fitting in, help her set small goals: saying hi to others in her class or trying a new club or sport. A little effort and being authentically herself can go a long way to finding her crew.
What are the other sources of teen stress and pressure for girls?
