My friend’s oldest daughter, Kennedy, is a perfectionist by nature, but she’s also a high-achiever and her class treasurer. When she forgot to show up for a student council meeting the other day, she spent a good long time berating herself. “Nothing I said mattered,” my friend told me. Coping with her mistake by beating herself up wasn’t healthy for Kennedy. In fact, unhealthy coping mechanisms can make things worse.
Sometimes the best, healthiest answer doesn’t come naturally—especially to our kids. We need to be the ones to point out what’s not working and steer them toward options that will. If your teen is relying on any of these 7 unhealthy coping mechanisms, here’s how to break those bad habits and put some better ones in place.
1. Aggression and Anger
When your teen is stressed or makes a mistake, is his default to lash out at you? Aggression can be through words or actions. Does he kick the wall or throw his book? Does he yell and say you’re ruining his life? These are unhealthy coping mechanisms and can create more problems by damaging relationships and self-esteem.
Tip for Mom: Give your teen some time to cool down before trying to talk. Once he’s calm, help your teen reframe the problem. This setback feels crummy right now, but you’ve learned something for next time.
2. Avoidance or Procrastination
If she’s nervous about talking to a friend or teacher, she may just avoid it and hope the problem goes away. Or, if she puts off homework until the last minute because it’s hard, she’s not learning to tackle challenges head-on.
Tip for Mom: If she avoids things as a coping mechanism, role play or talk through her next steps, so she feels better prepared to handle the situation. This can give her confidence to step toward the problem, instead of away. Like avoidance, procrastination gives only temporary relief. Talk to your child about not needing things to be perfect and encourage her to tackle challenges sooner to reduce overall stress.
3. Self-Medication
Alcohol, drugs, and vapes are all obvious dangers and terrible coping mechanisms. But emotional eating, over-exercising, or viewing adult content as a stress-management strategy can quickly become an even greater problem.
Tip for Mom: Start by building self-awareness in your teen. Help him to see that what he’s doing to cope is harmful and then work with him to change. Depending on the level of his dependence, he may need professional intervention and support.
4. Negative Self-Talk or Self Pity
These two unhealthy coping mechanisms can erode self-esteem and confidence. Kids need a kind inner voice to cope with the ups and down of adolescence and all the challenges of life.
Tip for Mom: Toxic positivity isn’t the answer, but you can point out his abilities or talents while also being realistic: Things aren’t always going to be fair or go as planned. But you have what it takes to try again.
5. Blaming Others
When your teen’s stressed, does he blame his teachers for giving him too much work? When he oversleeps, does he blame you for not getting him up? Or when he forgets his homework, does he blame his brother for distracting him at breakfast? Blame keeps teens from owning up to their actions and emotions. It also gets in the way of growing as a person and building healthy relationships.
Tip for Mom: Instead of jumping in to correct him, try to remain calm and curious. Hmm. That sounds very frustrating. What part of that could you have controlled? This opens the door for reflection without making him defensive.
6. Excessive Screen-time
Spending hours on Netflix, social media, or gaming platforms can be an unhealthy coping mechanism when teens use it to avoid challenges or to numb their feelings toward a difficult situation. And neglecting self-care and relationships is a sign it has gone too far.
Tip for Mom: Teens need to address the root cause of their feelings. Talking with them, setting screen-time limits, and pointing them toward healthier coping mechanisms are good places to start.
7. Rumination (Overthinking and Dwelling)
When kids ruminate, they overthink and dwell on a negative situation without looking for a solution. Complaining to a friend or parent and rehashing the problem is a form of co-rumination, and it can make negative feelings linger. According to research published here and here in the National Library of Medicine, ruminating (either internally or with another person) can lead to, or exacerbate, depression and anxiety.
Tip for Mom: To get out of the rumination trap, one suggestion is to “find a distraction,” says Harvard Health. Encourage your teen to do something he enjoys like listening to music or reading. Or have him head outside with you to garden or shoot hoops. Sometimes, changing the channel is the easiest way to break the cycle of overthinking.
What other unhealthy coping mechanisms have you witnessed in your teen? What can you do to change them?
