My friend Michelle’s fight with her 15-year-old daughter ended with Michelle yelling, “Oh, yeah? Well I’ll take this door right off its hinges!” If you have a teen, and privacy has come up in a spirited conversation, there’s a good chance you’ve made that threat, too.
Many teens think they have a right to locked doors, locked phones, and locked lips, but as parents, we know too much privacy is risky. So how much is healthy for a teen? And what’s the right way to respond when your teen demands privacy? If you’re in a tug of war with your teen and what she thinks is her right to privacy, this will bring you some clarity and a plan of action.
Why Teens Need Privacy
You probably instinctively know teens do deserve some privacy, but you just might not be able to put your finger on why. Axis.org explains it this way—“Teens under constant observation and monitoring aren’t necessarily safer, they’re often just performing so they can appear to be more responsible. That means they don’t get the important wiggle room that lets them grow.”
When you give your 16-year-old son privacy to hang out in the living room with friends while you sit in your bedroom, he gets to choose for himself if he cusses or glances at that pic on his buddy’s phone.
A teen who gets to make decisions, unmonitored, is able to test the values he’s been taught. And as Axis points out, “external restraint is never the same thing as internal transformation.”
Why Teens Push Back When You Threaten Their Privacy
In hurt 2.0, author Chap Clark, Ph.D., explains why privacy causes so many arguments between teens and parents. He says that as teens progressively face important decisions regarding their futures, the exhilaration of new opportunities and freedoms is often coupled with a sense of isolation and vulnerability (“What if I make the wrong choice?”). On top of that, increased privileges, like driving, represent increased responsibilities.
Clark says, “Freedom and responsibility represent two sides of a developmental coin that can become a major source of conflict.” Think about it. Isolation, vulnerability, and pressure are stewing under the surface. When parents then try to stifle the part of the equation the teen actually likes (freedom), it’s natural that the teen would become defensive.
What Are a Teen’s Rights to Privacy?
“As long as you’re living under my roof…” has been used by parents probably since humans started living in houses. It represents the tension between a growing child and a mom who feels like she also has a right to control or snoop. So how do you draw a healthy line for parents, teens, and privacy rights versus privileges? Axis explains it well by breaking privacy down into three categories.
Basic Privacy: Teens inherently deserve basic privacy, like changing clothes without being watched. This is not something they need to earn. It is a right.
Discretionary Privacy: Activities involving significant independence and autonomy, such as going out alone, are often privileges that teens earn by showing trustworthiness.
Personal Privacy: This involves “territory” like a teen’s room and communication. This is the middle ground where parents and teens might disagree. Parents might allow some personal privacy but reserve the right to check in, like monitoring a teen’s phone.
When my friend Michelle’s daughter locked her bedroom door (resulting in the fight that almost led to the removal of said door), she was exercising what she thought was her right to personal privacy. Michelle saw it as secrecy. In a moment when you’re not butting heads, have a discussion with your teen about these three categories. Listen more than you talk, and give answers as to why you consider some privacies personal or discretionary and not basic.
One Area to Dig in Your Heels
Online privacy is the space where parents are likely to overlook potential dangers. In The Anxious Generation, Jonathan Haidt illustrates this reality by citing the article 14-year-old Isabel Hogben wrote for The Free Press. In the article, she shared that she was 10 the first time she saw pornography. Hogben makes the point that her mother overprotected her in the real world while underprotecting her online. If you’ve purchased the phone your teen uses, it is yours, not theirs, and you have a right—if not an obligation—to monitor it.
One Area to Let Go
If your child keeps a journal, you might be tempted to thumb through it to get into her head. This is especially true if your once chatty child is beginning to shut you out (which is totally normal). Check out this episode of the Ask Lisa podcast. Lisa Damour, Ph.D., explains that a journal is a space where kids can express all of their feelings—annoyance, fear, loneliness. If your teen knows you might read it, she’ll hold back and miss out on the cathartic effects. Think back on your teenage diary. Were you a little overdramatic? I was. Unless you have a valid reason to be concerned about your child, let her journal stay private.
How to Gradually Give More Privacy
What’s most important for the development of your child and the health of your relationship is that you send the message that the goal is trust and independence, not suspicion and control. Axis recommends creating a privacy charter with your teen that defines privacy within the context of your family and emphasizes practical rules. For example, your charter might include knocking before entering your teen’s bedroom but not allowing phones in bedrooms after 9 p.m. Let your kids have input into what they think is fair and the consequences if trust is broken.
Another character and confidence builder is to grant privacy as your child takes on more responsibility. A teen who maintains an A or B average while working 10 hours per week at the ice cream shop has shown the ability to make good choices. Mom, trust that her good decision-making will extend to other areas of her life, and give her more privacy with friends and her personal space.
What does your teen argue are her rights to privacy? Do you agree?
