“Why don’t you read something for fun?” My husband peered at the book in my hands as we sat together on the couch, our kids finally in bed. “What do you mean?” I showed him the cover. “This is fun.” I’d plucked it from a tall stack of parenting books next to me. He shook his head. “You need to stop parenting 24/7.” I ignored him. I wanted to be a good mom!
You probably want to be a good mom too. But a common trap many of us have fallen into in 2025 is intensive mothering, dedicating all our “mental space, time, energy and resources to [our] children” and not seeking fulfillment for ourselves, outside of being a mom. The thing is, parenting in this way may not be doing you or your kids as much good as you think. Here are 5 truths about what makes a good mom.
1. A burned-out mom doesn’t benefit anyone.
You love your kids. But you don’t have to entertain them or enrich every hour of their days to be a good mom. Researchers from Worcester State University found that “intensive parenting is characterized by beliefs that good mothers must be constantly stimulating and overly involved in their children’s lives, putting the child’s needs above all else–even their own well-being.” And many moms “reported feeling intense guilt, stress, and anxiety as a result, with elevated levels of depression.” If you’re burned out, you’re probably overdoing it.
This week, opt out of one child-centered activity. Maybe it’s that extra taekwondo lesson or your kid’s standing playdate. Choose one that is particularly stressful for you. Give your child the freedom instead to pick what he wants to do while you do something satisfying and restful for yourself.
2. Support from others helps you parent better.
A recent article by The Colson Center says playdates aren’t happening as much these days and that intensive parenting is making us lonely. Driving kids around to activities and being super-focused on their enrichment tends to be something we do alone. The Colson Center goes on to say that “the ordinary duties and demands of parenthood feel much heavier when carried alone.” We know that socializing with friends is good for us. But it’s hard when there’s such a big emphasis in our culture on placing kids and their needs first.
This week, invite another mom and her kid to join you at the playground or to hang out in your back yard. Or make plans with someone you’d like to get to know better without the kids in tow. Being a good mom means filling your own cup too.
3. A good mom is tuned into her instincts.
These days, the “good mom” turns a trip to the park into a science lesson and enrolls her kids in multiple activities. We mean well, but parenting at this pace can be exhausting for everyone. The tug of intensive mothering has become “pervasive in American culture,” according to Worcester State University, but listening to your gut is key. Maybe your kids would benefit from more downtime. Or maybe they’re thriving with a packed schedule. You know your kids best.
This week, think about your kids’ personalities and what you want for them. Experts say free play helps kids get better at solving problems, handling their emotions, and getting along with others. But if your kid loves trying new things and has endless energy, listen to what your gut’s telling you. One parenting style doesn’t fit all.
4. “The perfect mother” is a myth.
There is no “perfect mom.” All moms have messy morning hair, forget to sign permission slips, and lose their cool. Loving your kids and being there to listen and support them is what makes you a good mom. And if you feel judged for your choices? Remind yourself that your kids and their wellbeing are what matter most. And you’re doing the best you can.
This week, bend your own rules. Let your kid skip his veggie at dinner. Let the laundry go an extra day. And find time to kick up your feet and close your eyes while your kids entertain themselves for a while.
5. Being a good mom sometimes means doing less.
When you do less, your kids tend to step up and do more for themselves. Isn’t that what we want? To have kids who grow into confident, self-sufficient individuals who can solve problems without us? Maybe you see the benefits of giving kids more free time to play and create. And you’re willing to let them be bored because you know that’s when they sometimes stumble onto their best ideas.
This week, have compassion for yourself. It’s hard to step back and do less for your kids. But they will grow their coping skills and resilience over time. Being a good mom isn’t easy. And sometimes choosing to do less for them is the hardest thing of all.
How do you define what “being a good mom” means?
