Have you gotten to the point in your marriage where it takes a hot second to remember how many years you’ve been married? I have. And I hate to admit it, but I also had to do some mental math the other day to land on the right number. Kinda embarrassing! But, you know, it’s also a badge of honor to be married this long. And that’s one truth about marriage we all should be proud of, whether it’s 5 or 25 years.
But long after those wedding bells stop ringing, and you’ve settled into your groove as a married couple, you start to realize that this whole marriage thing isn’t Candyland. It takes work. That’s another truth about marriage. Here are 12 more.
1. You both will change.
What happens each day affects who we are. And even though you and your husband are doing life together, you’re probably not joined at the hip every moment. Everything you do shapes who you are and affects your attitude, and your level of optimism and resilience. If you keep talking to each other, knowing each other’s hearts, and actively engaging with each other’s life events, you’re more likely to change and grow together.
2. You won’t always like each other.
It can be said of all relationships—you won’t always agree and get along. But that’s OK. If you both head into marriage agreeing that divorce isn’t an option, you will be forced to work out your problems. By doing so, you can strengthen your relationship.
3. Marriage will have times of boredom and annoyance.
Try not to feel bad about this one or think there’s something wrong with you or your marriage. My friend and I (both married to our husbands for over 20 years) agree that boredom and annoyance are just part of any marriage. You can go through seasons that feel incredibly stale, but then something happens, and you both snap out of it. Marriage feels fun again. Also, when you’re parenting any age group—2 to 20—the bumps in their lives can affect us, and it’s normal that they can impact our marriage. Just remember to look forward with optimism. Seasons don’t last forever!
4. Intimacy is more than just physical.
It’s emotional! And “emotional intimacy is essential for a deep connection and relationship satisfaction,” says Cara Gardenswartz, Ph.D. When you spend quality time together, are open and honest with each other, and give each other affection during the daytime hours, you enhance your emotional intimacy. And with long-term marriages, this is where you really find happiness with each other.
5. There will be challenges that look insurmountable.
It’s true. It’ll happen. You’ll think someday that your marriage won’t be able to handle this thing that has cropped up. But strong marriages are made stronger by overcoming these challenges. Your marriage isn’t unique if you both are struggling. But making the effort (sometimes with the help of a counselor or pastor) to get through this challenge is worth it. And it’s doable.
6. Things won’t always feel fair or equal.
Maybe you’ve moved because of his job. Or you quit your job to stay home with the kids. Or simply, you’re the one doing the dinner prep… again. Marriage isn’t always going to feel fair. But don’t sit on these feelings. Talk with your husband about it. It may just be what needs to happen for a while. But it doesn’t have to stay that way forever. A good marriage relies on give-and-take. You may be in the giving part of life right now. But keep talking and sharing how you feel. You might be able to make some compromises in the time being.
7. A good marriage will include arguments.
In his sermon last weekend, my pastor told the story of a couple he knew who got divorced. The man had told the pastor that “he was blindsided. He thought they had a good marriage because they never argued.” The paster explained that healthy marriages will have two people who do argue because it means they’re communicating. When you argue, do it respectfully, without hurting the other person. Remind yourself that you’re making your marriage stronger in the process.
8. Marriage is about sacrifice and compromise.
Sacrificing for each other and being able to reach compromises as a team is a demonstration of love. It’s not always easy! But the truth about marriage is that the hard stuff can draw you closer together.
9. Marriage doesn’t mean happily ever after.
The real work in a relationship begins after saying “I do.” Being realistic about the ups and downs in marriage will give you a healthy perspective on your relationship.
10. Romance requires concerted effort.
As the years pass, it takes a little more effort to be romantic and flirty. But if you make a little effort, your husband may get the hint and return it. Or just bring it up in conversation. It’s a normal thing to happen after the honeymoon years are over.
11. Your love will evolve.
I loved my husband when we got married over two decades ago, and I love him now. But because we’ve been through so much together, our love has changed and deepened. If you work on your relationship over the years, your love will evolve with you too.
12. A marriage needs more than love to last.
It needs mutual respect as well! When your husband talks about his interests, give him your attention, and vice versa. Being a good listener is a great place to start to demonstrate respect. Along with that, you both can show respect by being honest, loyal, and compassionate with each other rather than dismissive or secretive. Sometimes, it takes extra effort and hard work when you’re feeling run down by parenting and other obligations. But the respect you show in the day-to-day will establish a foundation of love that will carry you both through the ups and downs of life. You can do it!
What truth about marriage can you add to this list?
