I have three boys. There’s a lot of jostling and competing going on at my house, so it’s inevitable that at some point in that mix, at least one child is going to be a sore loser.
One of my boys used to be a very sore loser, but my husband and I have tried to show him and teach him that sometimes you win and sometimes you lose, and that the real fun is playing the game. Of course, if your child is a sore loser and in the middle of an “I wanted to win!” meltdown, getting across that message can seem impossible. But hang in there. It takes time. Here are a few things you can try to help your sore loser be more gracious.
Remember your child is learning.
To say that a child who’s a sore loser just has a bad attitude is oversimplifying the situation. When a child loses, even if it’s just a round of tic-tac-toe, he could be feeling frustrated, annoyed, confused, embarrassed, or all of those things combined. To make matters even more challenging, he’s still learning how to regulate those emotions. And if your child is a high achiever or perfectionist, holding it together is even tougher because these kids fear not being highly thought of when they lose.
Talk to your child about the “what ifs” before the game. “Boy, I know you really want to win today, but how would you act if you lost?” Tell him that, yes, it doesn’t feel good to lose, but you believe he can handle it. Also, with sports especially, teach the three phases of competition: practice/prep, playing the game, and accepting the outcome. Talk about doing their best in all three areas.
Avoid giving a speech.
If your child is angry after a loss, some things you say might make your child feel worse: “Brush it off!” “It was an honor just to be nominated.” “There’s no reason to be upset because you played well.” Lecturing or rattling off clichés doesn’t rid your child of feelings of anger or disappointment. It only tells her she’s wrong for feeling that way.
So validate her feelings. “It’s tough to lose.” Or, “I know you’re upset. It’s hard.” Then, wait until she’s calmed down to talk about what it would look like to be a good sport instead. Later, when she’s settled, you can ask her to apologize to her siblings for being a bad sport or to shake the hand of an opponent.
Consider letting your child win now and then.
Occasionally letting your child win will allow him to experience the joy of winning. One mom blogger argues, “Only a child who thinks he’s a winner is able to lose well.” In other words, he won’t feel that losing is part of his identity. There’s a famous study that found that losing about 30% of the time is the sweet spot. Much more than that, and kids will usually just give up. On that note, before you start playing a game with your child, consider if it’s too challenging for his developmental stage or current abilities. It’s OK to change the rules ahead of time to match his level.
Letting your child win can be controversial, so we had to talk about it on the iMOM Podcast. Listen to the episode here: “Ouch! My Kid’s a Sore Loser.”
Explain the problem with cheating.
Maybe your child would rather cheat than lose. One mom I know explained to her child that cheating is just avoiding losing, and it’s not a real win. Play games with your child that are purely chance, like Chutes and Ladders, where winning is not related to ability; it’s just probability. Understanding the role of chance might help your perfectionist child resist the urge to cheat. Also explain why cheating in the context of competition is wrong. Researchers found that “the more negatively children judged cheating, the less likely they were to cheat.” Explain to your child that one negative aspect of cheating is that other children don’t think it’s fun to play games with children who cheat to win.
If your child is old enough to have sports figures they look up to, point out how those players don’t cheat. They work hard and play hard and win some and lose some.
Consider how you react to wins and losses
A friend of mine has a son whose Little League baseball team made it to the championship game. My friend and her son celebrated with milkshakes after winning each game leading up to the championship, and she snapped photos and shared how proud she was. When her son’s team lost the championship, her son was sad on the way home. She told him she was just as proud of him that day as she was on the days he’d won. Then she promptly pulled her car into the same ice cream shop drive-through where they always stopped after a win, and ordered a round of milkshakes.
Losing isn’t easy. But if we can help our children learn how to deal with loss, that will be a big win for them and for us.
Are you good at losing with grace? How about your kids?
