My sister made it look easy. By the time I became a mom, I’d watched her birth, bond with, and breastfeed three babies in eight years. Outside looking in, bonding with a newborn seemed natural and automatic. Baby comes, and boom, instant connection. Well, it turns out that mindset tripped me up.
Bonding looks different for every mother-child pair. But many of us feel like we’re already failing at motherhood when it doesn’t come instantly. The truth is, though, you and your baby just met. As with any new relationship, sometimes you hit it off at the jump. Other times, it’s a slow burn. If you’re on the slow-and-steady-wins-the-race path, here’s how to bond with your baby in 5 tried-and-true ways.
1. Make skin-to-skin contact.
How to bond with your baby often starts by relaxing you both. With skin-to-skin contact (also known as “kangaroo care”), you place your baby directly on your bare chest so you can feel each other’s warmth, and you can breathe in those pheromones! A study published in Frontiers in Psychology shows the positive long-term effects of kangaroo care on mother-child bonding.
Kangaroo care isn’t just for the delivery room, where it’s often practiced when possible. You can make skin-to-skin time during quiet moments at home, such as after feedings or bath time, or use baby carriers that allow close contact while staying hands-free.
2. Give your baby a gentle massage.
Gentle, intentional touch strengthens your emotional connection with your baby. The physical contact stimulates the production of oxytocin, the “bonding hormone,” in both of you. Infant massage can help your baby feel more relaxed and secure, soothe fussiness, and improve sleep patterns.
Try adding infant massage to your routine after bath time or another relaxing moment. Using a soft baby lotion or natural oil, gently massage your baby’s arms, legs, back, and tummy with smooth, slow strokes. Follow your baby’s cues. Your little one will let you know which movements and pressure feel good and which don’t. The American Academy of Pediatrics offers some expert tips on baby massage.
3. Talk (or sing) with your baby.
You might not realize it, but your baby learns to equate the sound of your voice with safety and comfort. Your voice is her favorite sound. Each time you talk or sing to your little one, she feels loved, and you reinforce your connection. Plus, all that chatting and singing supports her language development, too!
It doesn’t matter what you say or sing, either. Belt out your favorite song of the moment, whisper the words to a lullaby, or recite your grocery list. Seriously—your baby will soak it all in and love every moment. While it might initially feel one-sided, your sweet one will eventually respond by cooing, smiling, or focusing intently on your face. Even simple conversations or songs can be how to bond with your baby.
4. Make eye contact while you feed your baby.
Your little nugget will snuggle in close when she nurses or takes a bottle. Just looking at your baby deeply can strengthen your bond. So, Mom, allow yourself the emotional and mental space to breathe in this moment. Memorize the deep, warm hue of her eye color. Marvel at the thickness of her eyelashes. Recognize the familiar eye shape looking back at you. Feeding the baby can strengthen the father-child bond, too.
And, by the way, release any expectations you may have held about how you feed your baby. With my firstborn, I breastfed her for 12 months. It was always painful. Yes, we used a doula, a lactation consultant, and all the tricks of the trade. With our second child, I chose to formula feed after three days. I developed equally strong bonds with both. And so can you, regardless of whether you choose bottle or breast.
5. Give it time.
You’re tired. Your body just went through a trauma to give birth. And you’re doing a job you’ve never done before with a new-to-you little person. Your little one went through quite the journey to get here, too. Bonding with a newborn doesn’t always happen instantly. And, if your baby came into your family through adoption, then the bonding process can look different than expected, too. That doesn’t automatically make you a bad mom or confirm your deepest, can’t-say-them-out-loud fears about motherhood. It just means you and your baby need to spend more time together. And, hey, you’ve got at least 18 years of quality time coming your way!
What advice would you give on how to bond with your baby?
